Comment by tysam_and | Hacker News Reader

Comment by tysam_and | Hacker News Reader

I'm autistic, and it's taken me a long time to learn how to start. It's been worth it.

Today, a woman and I were both looking at the same display in Hobby Lobby, both clearly looking for something.

When she moved over, I used something I've learned recently, which is, "Oh, sorry to be in your way -- I'm just looking for something to build a backpack with." Which is not entirely true, since it's a nopack -- a system which uses everyday components from my backpacking experience to make a carrying system, but close enough. A strange lie that is expected in simplification.

I've learned that this mode of phrasing means "Hi, I'm interested in maybe the same thing as you are, and would like to make potential conversation about [topic mentioned] or [thing we are mutually looking at] (or, as I later realized just now, [topic behind why you're looking at the thing you're looking at]).

She took me up on all three of those things, and we talked about jean zippers, backpacking, safety on the Appalachian Trail (I'm a trans nonbinary woman/gal, I don't think she noticed though from how the conversation went. Places like Hobby Lobby and Chick Fil A can have a different vibe to them when not passing well), and a few other miscellaneous things. It was very nice, we talked maybe 5-10 minutes or so before going on our separate ways.

My day felt more full, I felt more happy, and less isolated.

I wish there was a dictionary, or some kind of book/guide that explained these kinds of things. Somebody on the Appalachian Trail this year taught me how to indirectly ask for things (i.e. "Do you know a good way to get to [X town]?" while wearing a backpack sorta means "Hey, can you give me a ride please?". This was a shocking revelation to me, and made life much easier).

Having a clear, simple guide would have saved me much grief. These things aren't complicated, they're just too complex and too hidden for most of us to sort out through all of the information overwhelm mire.

I'm happy to talk more about this topic, I could really talk about it for a long time <3 :'))))

Can you recommend any resources for learning this sort of thing?

I don't know where you live, but most large cities have an Improv Comedy scene that includes courses, weekly meetups and workshops. You will learn:

* How to talk like you have something to say

* How to leave space for others to talk

* Helping the conversation move along

* Saying stuff that is interesting but not necessarily true without being deceptive

* Be funny now and then (YMMV)

I enjoyed listening to this as an audiobook. Not a ton I remember from it, but it seemed helpful to me, and the biggest takeaway is that a conversation is building something that you two are working on together (and the implied lesson beyond that that I got is that it is bigger than either of you, oftentimes).

https://www.amazon.com/Improv-Your-Conversations-Banter-Tech...

I should probably try more with improv, it seems fun (albeti scary), but a good way to basically 'hit the gym' for some social skills. If I can cross some of those barriers, maybe the others won't be too terribly hard!

For me, what helped a lot was backpacking a social trail like the Appalachian Trail. Every stranger basically talks, you get to know people REAAAALLLL fast, and people that don't talk oftentimes actively avoid it and are seen as a bit weird. People on the trail I was on were seemingly totally fine with me being autistic and trans, it's a pretty accepting place. <3 :'))))

I'd honestly like to write a short, inexpensive, useful coffee-table book someday. I've googled 'autism dictionary' and haven't found anything useful yet, really not sure why to be honest.

It would be very nice having a translation guide between how our minds work and the minds of the general neurotypical population work. Sort of like learning a new language -- since in this case, immersion sorta almost has the opposite effect sometimes. <3 :'))))

I do let people know up front that I'm autistic and may miss social cues, and to please let me know directly. I also react receptively to advice, and when I find something potentially useful, I present my best guess from what they're saying. People like correcting when someone is wrong, I've been told, and it seems to be true!

With social things, I naturally react incredulously regardless, which often lets people come in and help out with more advice, which helps a lot. Sometimes I'll also go down a "what do you mean by this? I'm not really sure how to _________" and that seems to be effective.

Remember, if you're lonely and in public, a lot of strangers are too. Eventually, like the tide rising, built social skills can lead to more, and more, and more....

I'm not sure if this helps at all. Consider this one interaction with a stranger that may help fill some gaps in your knowledge! ;) (or, maybe not at all, that's okay too, love! <3 :')))))

Reply on news.ycombinator.com