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Comment by pavel_lishin | Hacker News Reader

> They probably started dating in high school or their first year of university and had no or few previous partners.

> The curious question is, if the man isn’t doing what you’re supposed to be doing to find a partner, like mingling with more people, how did they end up with their current (and only) partner in the first place? They had to do at least some socializing to get a date.

The answer to the question is right there: in high school and college, you're effectively forced to socialize to at least some degree; you're a captive in the education system, and unless you suffer from tremendous anxiety or are wildly unpleasant to be around, you'll spend a large percentage of your time socializing with other people.

(There's also the other obvious answer: a lot of introverts socialize a lot online, and many of them meet their partners the same way. I'm sure at least some of you have been to a wedding where the married couple met over WoW.)

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Yeah, as a massive introvert who managed to actively avoid socialising through high school and college. I made up for it with online dating, because while I find socialising exhausting, figuring out how to talk to people over text was a lot less exhausting than in person, and finding social interaction exhausting isn't the same as not wanting it at times. You can learn patterns online, and try and try again.

If anything, I've had substantially more partners than average when I was younger because online you can do that easily with just trying over and over again and rejection didn't affect me online, and the contact didn't exhaust me because it was superficial until I got a connection with someone.

His idea that being an introvert implies lacking opportunities and inherently makes someone more likely to be loyal is based on a lot of stereotyping of what being an introvert means.

If find dating situations easy. They can be as low key as you want them, and they are formulaic, and I a long time ago figured out a "formula" that worked. Doesn't mean it wouldn't be genuine, but I know my strengths, and I learnt to understand social queues well enough to turn that into a conversation topic, and talking about those observations and demonstrating you've listened to past partners is gold dust.

But I'd also find them draining, and would go home wired and take hours to relax afterwards. The main thing making me seek and prefer stable relationships isn't that I can't easily find people because I'm an introvert, because I can, but because I have more than enough experience to know what I like and have found it.

> a lot of introverts socialize a lot online

Are you sure we are introverts and not just people lacking enough IRL social outlets, or people suffering from social anxieties. Why would an introvert go online to socialize with complete strangers?

I can't speak for anyone else, of course, but I'm absolutely certain that I'm an introvert, and that I get a lot of my socialization online, and almost always have even when friends have been plentiful and local - in college, for instance, when my three roommates were my friends, I still spent a fair amount of time talking online.

I think - and again, my experience, just another anecdote to throw in the bucket - that introverts like communicating online because we don't run out of gas as quickly, because there is less focus on immediate responses. We can step back, we can take a few minutes - or days! - to think before we reply. If we want to, we can be much more in-depth, take the time to analyze our own feelings and those of the others in the conversation.

Online, there's no rush to do your part in a conversation while a loud bar is overwhelming your ability to even hear the other party.

Having said that, I'm not so introverted that I don't need face-to-face time with friends. My D&D group hasn't met since August, and one of the players can't make it to a party we're hosting this weekend, and it bums me the fuck out!

edit: I just noticed you said "complete strangers". This isn't socializing for me; my online socializing is in Slack & Discord, with people I've known for years & decades - some of whom I first met online, some of whom I first met in real life, some of whom I met online first and then in real life (and attended the wedding of!), and some of whom I've never met IRL and may never meet.

It's a decent low energy interaction. I can write this message and then disappear for the next three days, no big deal. I don't need to worry about keeping up my energy or caring about the result of my addition. It's near zero stakes.

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