> I live in the US, but I absolutely must have sideloading if there is any chance it's possible. What unholy things will I have to do to convince my iPhone I'm in Europe?

You can do this now but you will have to get apple developer license for $99 and add your iPhone/iPad to the account and generate signing certificate that you can use for side-loading apps. A lot of effort and cost though but it is possible. And I don't know if Apple will go after people if this becomes popular.