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Comment by lm28469 | Hacker News Reader

> It seems clear to me that whether we retain autonomy, mobility, and health is hardly up to us.

There are ways to dramatically increase or decrease your odds. There are no hard guarantees but statistically it's extremely clear that your lifestyle is a huge differentiator. Obesity and diabetes are easy to avoid for the vast majority of people and will absolutely fuck you up. Even cancers are like 70%+ lifestyle/environmental related.

Just like you have people who survive car crashes in 1980s cars while not wearing a seatbelt and people who die in a 2023 car with 12 airbags while wearing a seat belt. Your conclusion shouldn't be that seatbelts don't do much

My gf's dad was on the way down, 65, getting fat, low mobility, out of breath all the time, &c. we motivated him, he lost 35kg+ in a year, no more shortness of breath, much better mobility, all health metrics improved, it doesn't mean he'll live longer, but he'll for sure live better

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> Your conclusion shouldn't be that seatbelts don't do much

My conclusion is weaker than that. It's that while we try to do what we can, we should retain a kind of humility and realism, that we remember we don't get a 'final say' over own fates. And also that we recognize our continuity with the disabled, even in times of our own health, and that our individual pursuits of health not become a desperate striving to separate ourselves from others who are perceived as weak or helpless.

I think one of the things that has made my father's predicament so earth-shattering to him, beyond even the prospect of death, is that he really wants to think of him self as the kind of person who 'doesn't get sick', that he could really, simply, choose to be well. As a result, the cancer has been not just terrifying and uncomfortable, but an irreconcilable challenge to his worldview. As a result, it seems like he's really struggling to integrate an understanding of his current situation into his perspective. Instead, he flips back and forth between his old view (that he's kind of invincible, that disability and illness are for other people) and a new despair.

Remembering the limits of our control isn't, for me, about giving up, but about grounding ourselves and staying connected to others (including to those who are ill or disabled in ways we might not want to even imagine as possibilities in our own futures).

Wish I could motivate my mom. She's quite overweight and she even agrees she needs to lose it, but she just wont exercise or stop buying sweets and snacks. My father and I have told her we're happy to go without that stuff in the house but she still buys it. Whenever she eats the stuff she has some excuse.

I've tried to teach her the IIFYM approach so she can still enjoy treats but she resists and insists that 'intermittent fasting' (eating almost nothing on Monday and Wednesday) has been succeeding for her. She'll lose two pounds and celebrate, then gains it back.

Same. I even got my mom an electric bicycle as a present, just to lower the entry to physical exercise, but it just collected dust in the corner, despite endless promises to start using it. She passed away suddenly 3 years ago. I'm sure her heart just gave up. Still can't really take it in.

If the joy of your bad habits outweigh whatever other sources of joy you have in your daily life, then it's hard to motivate someone to stop. In their mind, they are making the conclusion that they'd rather die with some joy from the bad habit than die entirely unhappy - which kind of makes sense.

>If the joy of your bad habits outweigh whatever other sources of joy you have in your daily life, then it's hard to motivate someone to stop. In their mind, they are making the conclusion that they'd rather die with some joy from the bad habit than die entirely unhappy

Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is the kicker for my mom. We were driving back from an errand and she said she wanted to stop for a [marketing name of 1000 cal coffee-slushie]. I gently but firmly reminded her that wasn't going to help her goals and she launched into a small tantrum that included 'It's the only joy I get'.

I love her so much and I'm terrified of her suddenly being gone, or worse, declining into early alzheimers/dementia like her dad did.

She is receptive to discussing changing her habits in general, but if I get specific and try to help her start any sort of plan to give them up or minimize them, she responds as if I am attacking her. I don't know what to do.

I've never struggled with my weight, but I once noticed I was getting heavier than I liked and I successfully lost about 30lb in 4-5 months. It doesn't have to be that intense for her, but I know what works. I just can't get her to commit to any variation of a serious approach.

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