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Comment by lordfrito | Hacker News Reader

You don't control your emotions, your emotions control you. We don't choose to be angry -- we simply are angry.

Anger is your primitive brain stem prodding you into doing something, anything... because what you are dealing with at the moment just isn't working.

Being angry is never the problem -- it's your body's way of telling you it's time to change something. Usually way past time to change things. That's a good thing.

Now... What you do about being angry -- well that's the rub isn't it? Punching someone may not be the best option, maybe channel the anger into something else, something more constructive. In any case, a change must be made.

Listen to your emotions -- they're telling you what you need to be focusing on.

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I once had a mental health professional tell me:

In the majority of cases anger is not a primal emotion, but a derived one. It is a byproduct of a narrative you have in your mind (i.e. the narrative comes first, then the anger). As such, in most cases, you are in control of your anger.

jamiek88 says pretty much the same thing below.

Your point has it's merits, but I still say that the anger isn't the problem -- the root of the anger as you point out is some false narrative (maybe even true, past abuse, PTSD etc). The anger is drawing attention to a problem -- if the problem is your internal world, then go fix that (reflection, therapy etc).

If you properly address anger, it goes away. If you don't, it stays or comes back. So what you do in response to anger gives you control over whether the anger returns.

Maybe put another way: You are in control of what you do when angry, and those choices impact whether or not the problem is actually resolved. You are in control over whether the problem gets resolved or not -- you are in control of whether or not the anger returns.

Your conversation is interesting to read, factually helpful and a good example of civilized discussion that helps to explore the topic you are discussing from different sides.

I side with your point if pressed to put your perspectives on different ends of a scale. But that's not even needed, as you correctly point out.

We seem to be in violent agreement.

Thems fightin' words ...

There was a book (I think The Intelligence of Emotions, or something along those lines) that says that we get angry when a boundary (be it a physical, emotional, ideological boundary) has been violated. Sometimes these boundaries have been set unintentionally in an irrational way (such as a childhood trauma, or as a defense mechanism to rejection or something else "bad" that might happen). It's good to investigate your triggers and consider if they are actually rational. Sometimes it can be. It can be very hard to look at and adjust. Nigh impossible in the moment.

Listening to your emotions is easier said than done, especially when you’re in the moment, which is essentially when you need to listen the most. There are many ways and methods to analyze emotions afterward, but in my own experience, those aren’t really effective. At the same time, it’s extremely difficult to train in listening to emotions without real emotions occurring.

journaling and video games helped me personally

I don't see the utility in thinking in absolutes. It's absolutely possible to consciously direct one's emotions.

> Being angry is never the problem

Misplaced anger is common.

Anger is a secondary emotion. You need to figure out what you are actually angry about. That was advice that helped me a lot.

What's wrong with misplaced anger, other than it's misplaced?

My point still holds, something is wrong, some boundary is violated, you need to do something.

Even if the anger is misplaced, you're not simply angry about "nothing" -- find out what the root is and fix it. The anger isn't the problem. Anger will give you the energy to do the work.

And, as I said, what you do in response may or may not be constructive/helpful. Yes I understand misplaced anger can cause you to focus on the symptoms rather than the problem. In other news, throwing fists usually doesn't help. There are a bunch of things you can do when angry that aren't helpful.

But the anger isn't the problem, it's the symptom of a problem that needs to be addressed.

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