The problem is, despite knowing most of the background (and already forgetting most of it), there isn't substantial work that I can show to others. I've been here for 7 years now (academia). However, there isn't any output other than a few small toy projects. Every year, the compute requirement grows, and even after having compute, doing something without guidance is quite painful, lonely and unmotivating.
On the other hand, working on a graphics engine is fun; making CG stuff is fun but can't make it like big studios. The best I can do is graphics from the 80s. (Sure, coding an engine is hard and fun, but there is more than just an graphics engine).
It all sounds like an excuse. I do not even understand it myself. Like people do not care if I can make an 80s engine from just driver APIs (GL/Vulkan/Metal/whatever) because it still looks like 80s stuff. This is direly disheartening. And time to make modern ones grows exponentially compared to my current living expenses because I do not have enough money to sustain for more than 6 months.