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Comment by gtmitchell | Hacker News Reader

As a counter example, I will offer my own experience in graduate school. I was one of the few married students and observed that nearly all the successful graduates students had the following in common:

1. They had competent PhD advisors 2. The advisors had stable funding sources 3. They were single

Of those three, #1 and #2 were by far the most important. Certain professors just knew how to run a good lab and were able to shepherd their students through the program efficiently.

As for the impact of #3, I found as a married student I had to balance my research and teaching responsibilities with the needs of my spouse. It added a level of mental and emotional stress my single colleagues didn’t have to deal with.

Ultimately, my balancing act was unsuccessful. I eventually dropped out of my PhD program and ended up divorced.

So yeah, based on my anecdotal (N=1) experience, being married doesn’t not help you to be successful in graduate school.

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To be honest, I found the exact opposite to be true. I agree with the author regarding the happiness during grad school being directly related to being married.

As a matter of fact, I don't think I would have finished my PhD had my wife not supported me mentally, economically, and in spirit. I've observed our single students struggle, complaining about having to do chores after classes, clean, cook, look after themselves. Whereas my spouse was supportive and understanding, she took a colossal load off my shoulders - I could concentrate on my studies and had little to no worries outside of school. We both worked, but she worked full time to support us and got a master's degree, so she knew all too well that grad school isn't peanuts.

I think it's more so about having a good spouse who is understanding and supportive, who can meet you halfway.

I wrote my response while you posted, but it basically supports what I was saying.

> I think it's more so about having a good spouse

I wouldn't say it's about a "good" spouse. It's tough, and if it's too much for the spouse, maybe the grad student should consider dropping out. Nobody knows how it's going to work until they do it. This is especially true if they moved far from home for grad school.

This brought a smile to my face - so happy for both of you.

Likely a different field, but

> 1. They had competent PhD advisors

I'd say fit is very important. Some advisors will provide students with feedback, give them direction, and wait for the students to come back with output. Other advisors will micromanage students, give them tight deadlines, get upset if they don't strictly follow everything they say and every deadline, and generally give the student no freedom to do anything on their own.

The thing to keep in mind is that grad students usually work well in one of those environments, but few students will thrive in both.

> as a married student I had to balance my research and teaching responsibilities with the needs of my spouse. It added a level of mental and emotional stress my single colleagues didn’t have to deal with.

This can go in several directions. Your experience is obviously the most common. In some cases the spouse is counting on the grad student to finish and get a high-paying job. They take care of everything like paying bills, shopping, cooking, etc. I've also seen cases where the spouse sacrificed so the grad student could finish (so they could have a higher income and start a family) and it put so much pressure on the grad student that they were breaking down.

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