I have a 14 year old boy who has a phone. He has a pretty large imessage group of about 20 kids from his school named 'dumbasses united' (which is pretty freaking funny IMO) he also has another smaller imessage group with his close friends. He isn't interested in social media like tiktok or instagram and in fact is pretty anti-social media platform beyond imessage. He does have a discord with some kids from school to play games with however.

I don't bother him too much about it as long as his grades are good and responsibilities around the house are met. Every so often i'll scroll through his phone but haven't found anything you wouldn't expect from a typical 8th grader. I don't come down on him for language or crude jokes or anything like that, i'm looking for actual danger and not 14 year olds being 14. He knows I have the pin to his phone and he could change it to make it a bigger issue between us but he never has and in return i won't confront him unless i feel like it's a very serious issue.

There is a gradient only a few years long with the end point being they can do whatever they want, basically. Based on chats with other parents who have older kids, I think the model will transition to ever more access, with more severe consequences for breaking whatever rules we end up setting (behavior, content, etc). For example, a neighbor's 16-year-old had a strict rule of leaving location tracking on for his parents to know where he was. He turned it off to sneak about, they found out, so he lost the phone for two weeks. But tbh with kids it all changes so quickly, we will take it day by day.

Kids who are not part of the cool in-group getting drunk and doing coke after school are the ones who read more and study more and become successful.

Data point: everyone in my HS's class of 1200 who was "cool" is now more or less a bagger in a grocery store, or dead from drug overdose. Everyone who was ostracized and a "loser" is successful.

Do you want your kids to have a happy high school time (4 years) or a happy life being able to afford fun things(~60 years)?