1) The caricature of yourself is the first thing I noticed and it put me off. It's a bad drawing and triggered a negative responsive - I now have to make a mental effort to screen it out and avoid referring to you as "the dev with the sh*tty drawing". I'd just stick to your photo, which looks much better and gives me the impression that you're a pleasant chap to work with.
2) Your CV is a visual mess - serif font with varying sizes and styles... I felt lost.
3) Too much waffle, i.e. too many words. Focus on your recent achievements, major obstacles you've encountered and how you overcame those etc. something to peek my interest.
4) Horrible color-scheme (might be the texture and the poor gradient further down), reminds me of old battle-ship gray Windows 95 apps. If you want to use gray, see how Apple's website is using it.
5) I'd avoid words like "cool" or "mad skillz".
In short, keep it simple and stick to what recruiters are used to seeing. Some examples of nicely formatted and easy to scan resumes are:
http://resume.justindickinson.com/ http://oaktreecreative.com/resume/