Hacker News Reader

Comment by fragmede | Hacker News Reader

> assuming emotional intelligence isn't an innate skill

it's a skill like any other, so if you put in dedication and practice, you can get better at it, just like practicing leetcode. whether or not an individual wants to do so is on them.

View on HN

Do you have any tips for practicing this? I feel like I often "take the oxygen out of the room" when I offer suggestions or get talking. Conversely when I bite my tongue (or just unplug my mic) most people don't talk or offer very weak tacit agreement with the last thing that was said.

edit: I wish I had more skill at building coalitions and/or pushing an organization in a direction without saying "we need to do X".

I think a great way to get better at this is to ask more questions than provide answers. If you really hone in on what people are discussing, if you figure out what they want, what they’re afraid of, what they’re unsure of, etc. your suggestion will mean a lot more than if you’re perceived as “barging in and ordering people around”. I’ve practiced the Socratic method a lot with a lot of people, and it can really help to give your arguments some extra punch. Remember than people usually don’t want to be told “we need to do X” - they want to believe that they had a part in discovering and advocating for that, even if the whole thing was your idea all along.

And like any other skill some people are more gifted in learning that skill than others. Anyone can learn to paint, but not everyone is going to be a Monet or a Rembrandt.

Everyone doesn't need to be a Monet, they just have to be able to paint their name on a poster without embarrassing themselves and putting down others.

Everyone can paint their name, that is a 0 skill exercise. And I wasn't saying everyone needs to be a Monet, more that these are high ceiling skills you are talking about and there is a lot more variety than is given credit.

There's room to go really really far down that path and even become a licensed therapist if someone takes to that kind of work and is looking for a second career, but in this analogy, some people don't even have the EQ to be able to paint their name with fingerpaints. Maybe I've had more misfortune dealing with difficult people though.

While I think this is true, some people have it harder than others. So sure, anyone can learn emotional intelligence, but if it's 2x the effort for someone the ROI is much worse.

A toxic individual can tank the productivity of the whole team, if not the whole org. What's the ROI for them on being fired?

Reply on news.ycombinator.com