After a posting on the Haskell mailing list, zero responses came back.
We realized the world had about 3 people that matched all the requirements: one was the dev that needed to be replaced, the other one was a tenured professor of a U.S. university (Hi, Hal!), and there was one more, whom I don't remember but it may just as well have been Simon Peyton-Jones himself (only slightly exaggerating here).
Note the Haskel NLP mailing list - https://archives.haskell.org/projects-pipermail/nlp/ - did not exist then, it was formed only in 2009.
In the end, I forced a complete re-write in Java of our initial "rapidly prototyped" Haskell codebase at the time, and I often wonder what I would do nowadays, nearly 20 years later (Python is slow, has the commercial disadvantage of letting customers read off your secret sauce if code runs on their machines, but has a good dev pool to hire from, and definitely is both high-level enough as well as suitable regarding library support; ironically, Java is still a contender, despite the boilerplate Kotlin isn't getting the traction that Rust is getting against C, C++ has changed dramatically every 5 years in the 20 years since, and still ads complexity, which is all very scary, and Julia has a small talent pool, and isn't ready for prime time yet, certainly not regarding NLP libraries).
I know, since this is HN, people will say "LISP!", but I'm not sure; I always loved the aestetics of Scheme, but not the ergonomics - and my conjecture is there might be something about keywords that makes them superior cognitively for humans compared to just piles of nested parentheses.
EDIT: fixed a typo.