I think the takeaway here is that you should probably not work at a startup if you don't have the cash to early-exercise your option grants (or work there, but value the equity portion of your comp at $0 and be ok with that). Obviously you didn't know or consider that at the time, which is a pretty common level of understanding, I think, one that I shared when I was first dipping my toes into the startup pool myself.
On the plus side, I think financial education and knowledge around startups has gotten leaps and bounds more prevalent over the past dozen years or so. Fewer people will experience the same situation you do, because they'll know not to get into it in the first place. And once enough people understand the implications of these unfair practices, they will have to change if startup founders and investors want to continue to attract talent.
I know people don’t get the best deals on startup equity but something doesn’t add up here
Many startups stay private for 7-10 years. Most go broke, shut down, or have face-saving acqui-hires with no economic gain. If you leave at year 1,2,3,4,5, or 6 you have to pay UPFRONT to exercise the options and pay taxes UPFRONT. But you are stuck with private stock you cannot sell. In 95% of cases, the private stock can never be sold because the company goes broke. You dont know if your company, in year 7, 8, 9, 10, or beyond MIGHT be one of the lucky 5%
If you are going to spend $100k or $500k exercising options and paying taxes, you might as well buy QQQQ or NVDA or something with better odds of success.