Hacker News Reader

Comment by gtmitchell | Hacker News Reader

"Just be yourself". Such terrible, useless advice to give to someone who is struggling with dating.

I'd even call that non-advice a type of mockery.

Since that's, after all, how everyone starts, obviously the cohort who thereafter asks for advice has found that not enough.

No it is the right advice. The key is to improve yourself and make yourself more attractive. Accomplish more, work out, become more capable, make more $ etc.

I did that myself by improving my diet, doing kick boxing, get educated, interact more with woman etc. It worked.

If you don’t, you will end up with a partner who loves your fake persona and not you. Forcing you to continue living a fake life. That is not a healthy way to live.

Mark Twain once said “Be yourself is about the worst advice you can give to some people.”

What worked for you then?

Becoming a cooler, fitter, more interesting version of yourself

That's probably what the "be yourself" advice was getting at. When you try to be someone you're not you show it through your body language, it looks contrived and it's picked up rather quickly. "Be yourself" was probably meant to be more like act less desperate for attention and more confident in oneself, don't try to impress, etc.. But I agree that it is not a good advice to people who do indeed need to improve.

Maybe it should be "become yourself"

"bootstrap your future now"

"reach into the future and pull the best possible rendition of yourself backwards to now forthwith such that you can become thatself once thineself agrees that it is indeed thou that thou wishes to become"

Believe in the me who believes in you.

Move to a better dating market

This is the real answer. If you’re 26 in the Midwest, odds are many of the women a person would date are already married with a kid or two.

I'm not really in the market, but I would expect that most Midwest women wouldn't be opposed to dating a man who is a few years older.

Not sure about US culture, but this seems to carry a peculiar assumption that men should date around same age? Because I doubt most 20yo women in "midwest" are married with a kid or two. Maybe some bits of cultural bagage you need to shed there.

The US is also very expensive place to live. If you don’t get with someone similar to yourself, you’re sandbagging your financial situation.

Most people can’t afford a single income household here in the US.

Might not have two kids, but not single is absolutely true. People here tend to find a partner pretty quickly in life.

Anecdotally, a friend is trying to date in her early 30s and basically has no dating pool. Not many single men in their 30s have a stable job, crime free background, and avoid hard drugs.

A good lesson for everyone: your life's time horizon isn't anywhere close to your life expectancy. There are things you need to get right before 30 if you don't want the rest of your life to be misery.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com