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Comment by chrsig | Hacker News Reader

> Since that education is sorely lacking, I made a course. It's called Team Dynamics and Soft Skills for Developers. I put my 25 years of dev, management, tech education, and interpersonal communication training into it. I think you and your team will find it useful.

There's the pitch.

Most of the time people aren't trying to be jerks. They're just not having a need met. They may or may not know about the need, or may or may not be working to address it. It may be something that you're responsible for that you're not acknowledging.

Don't underestimate how far a little humility, open ears, and boundary setting might get you. Writing the person off as a jerk just makes the problem worse.

Not to say you're responsible for anyone elses bad behavior, but it's also not ok to pin all the problems of team dynamics on one person. Having a emotionally healthy productive team is a lot of work, and it's a group effort.

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100% agreed. Talking about "needs met" is actually a fundamental part of the course I produced (I did put a link to it, but at the end because I really do think this is a problem in general. Also, I think education for devs on the topic is lacking.) Humility and boundaries 100% agreed too.

There is "team" in "team dynamics". It is absolutely a group effort. I will say, though, it's a group effort that can be greatly impacted by just one individual.

I've worked worked through the issues in a couple of "brilliant jerks" in my career. Although really none of them were jerks, in both instances just frustrated humans who cared a lot about the work they're doing and nobody had taken the (hours) to fully work through what was going on. With one of them, we worked through stuff for 4 sessions over 2 weeks and by the end got to some version of "wait, so that's it, there is nothing more to it than that, it's just that's the way it is?" and once that acceptance came, the frustration was resolved and the situation was fully understood the homie inside re-emerged.

This has been my experience as well, it boils down to them mostly being unheard, which causes frustration which can manifest itself as us-vs-them. Taking the time and hearing them out, and like you did, just working with them and hearing them helps a ton. I can count the number of actual jerks I’ve crossed paths with in my career on less than four fingers over nearly 20 years. The other “jerks” just need a little peace, love and understanding.

I’m not really referring to particular situations, but consistent behaviors that manifest across many interactions under many contexts.

I too think that real jerkish behavior is rare, versus needing to apply soft skills to a person who has a need that isn’t being met. But when a real one is in a team, I think it’s a serious enough event to warrant consideration of the topic.

To a point. Some jerks are just misunderstood and need a little TLC. Some people are just bastards, though. I don't get paid enough to be their therapist and "fix" them.

I wonder about this. What's the appropriate line for a manager is a business environment to give feedback about. I don't think random middle managers have the skills to like you said be a therapist, but there is some psychological aspect to keeping a group of people running smoothly.

For sure, and I am willing and happy to do the common things to help coworkers. I like people. I like helping people. It’s just that I have no interest in taking on advanced cases. Like, if someone were a diagnosed, untreated narcissist, managing that is outside my expertise and available energy. That specific diagnose doesn’t inherently make them a bad person. It does mean they’re likely to bring behaviors I’m not equipped to deal with.

That's a very reasonable boundary. Health insurance covers therapy, it's reasonable to expect coworkers routinely exhibiting unacceptable behavior to make use of behavioral therapy and show that they're at least working on the issue.

It's also amazing what a "sorry, x,y, and z are very hard for me, I'm doing my best and still learning to do better" will go. Of course, not everyone receives that with grace, but that speaks to their character.

That's such a great tip! A little communication can go a long way.

And for my side, I try to distinguish between someone being a jerk and someone I just don't mesh with. I'm thinking of a specific coworker right now. They and I mixed like oil and water. They're smart, competent, and well-meaning. I respect them professionally. However, something about them rubbed me the wrong way, and I'm certain they'd say the same about me. We were never going to be work buddies. They weren't being a jerk, though. Our personalities weren't compatible, no more. I'd still give them a good reference.

It all boils down to name calling and not giving people time of the day it seems.

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