What you're describing sounds very much like the impact ketamine has on the default mode network (DMN), which plays a central role in your sense of self and how you process thoughts about yourself and the world. The DMN is typically overactive in conditions like depression, leading to persistent negative self-reflection or rumination.

Ketamine temporarily disrupts or disintegrates the activity of the DMN, which is likely where the sensation of "disintegration" or "ego death" comes from. This can feel like a profound loss of agency, as the very part of the brain responsible for your sense of self is being deconstructed. The disorienting part—being left with fragments of yourself—is also consistent with how the DMN breaks down, exposing subconscious thoughts or patterns you may have repressed or forgotten.

But this isn’t just a random break—it’s part of why ketamine can be so therapeutic for some people. By breaking the DMN's rigid structure, it allows for a kind of mental reset, where you can reorganize those "pieces" in new ways, often leading to the clarity or "AHA!" moments you described. The months of renewed understanding and hope after the experience fit well with ketamine's fast-acting antidepressant effects.

That said, I understand the hesitation to repeat such experience. While it can be transformative, it can also feel traumatic, precisely because it’s messing with such a fundamental part of how your brain organizes reality. We’re still in the early stages of understanding this, and while it can be deeply healing for some, it’s definitely not something to take lightly.