Comment by crazygringo | Hacker News Reader

Comment by crazygringo | Hacker News Reader

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> One of the great insights of psychoanalysis is that you never really want an object, you only want the wanting

...no it's not?

Much of traditional psychoanalysis has been superseded by modern psychotherapy. And I'm not even familiar with that idea being part of psychoanalysis in the first place. (And there are many schools of psychoanalysis that disagree with each other too.)

Quite frankly, it's not a great insight. It's perfectly fine to want something and then get it. Don't worry, you'll want something else afterwards. The idea that you should set your sights on an impossible goal doesn't hold up to the slightest logical scrutiny here. And a lot of people get disillusioned or burned out from trying to achieve impossible things and failing.

Modern psychotherapy is actually about aiming for achievable, realistic goals in your life. It's much more in line with the serenity prayer, in terms of aiming for realism:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

It's from a 10+ year-old blog post so I wouldn't expect it to be in line with modern psychotherapy.

It's an insight that has stuck with me since then and seems to strike a chord with others when shared, regardless of whether or not it's "great".

Of course it's fine to want something and then get it. Last night I wanted a Klondike bar so I walked to my freezer and got one. This misses the point entirely.

Plenty of examples of people getting what they thought they wanted and still feeling unfulfilled.

I appreciate your point about the serenity prayer, I think there's something relevant there for sure.

> Plenty of examples of people getting what they thought they wanted and still feeling unfulfilled.

Right, I think that's what might be striking a chord.

Modern psychotherapy would tell you that you'd picked something thinking it would solve problems that it never would. A classic example is that if you achieved a certain career objective or measure of success, you would feel loved and approved of and worthy. And then when you achieve it, you don't.

The answer is absolutely not to pick a goal you can't achieve. That's completely wrong.

The answer is to understand that career or professional success will not make you feel loved. That if you feel like you have an unmet need for love and approval, you need psychotherapy to understand where that is coming from in terms of your childhood, current relationships, etc.

And then you can reframe your professional or career goals as something else entirely. And when you reach one, you can feel proud and then set another one. You won't have a feeling of emptiness or unfulfillment, because you'd never set unrealistic expectations for what that achievement would provide.

It’s possible these are both right. You should pick achievable goals which will actually make you happy, and you should pick impossible goals that you will always enjoy working towards.

bingo, this was my thought as well. One perspective works well for the micro, and the other for the macro.

The problem with impossible goals is that there's no feedback if you're actually making progress.

Far better to identify achievable goals that have a timespan of a few years max, and with milestones at least every few months to know you're on the right track.

Impossible goals are ultimately a nonsensical proposition. And if you have an activity you enjoy, you just do that activity. Like crossword puzzles. They don't have a goal.

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