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Instead of XSSs we will soon have XSCSFSs (Cross Site Cascading Style Function Scripting)!

At least it could probably run Doom

Already done.

https://github.com/yurkagon/Doom-Nukem-CSS

Not at least in that link. It is a clone and not running the original binary.

These aren't functions in the traditional programming sense. Looking at examples in the spec, they're mostly a way to do conditional logic around which properties to apply when (desperately needed in CSS as the only way to do this now—if at all—is with media queries, funky selectors, or as a last resort, JavaScript).

Just finished work on a new CSS framework and would have loved to have stuff like this. If it lands with baseline support, I'd be able to save a lot of footprint using these.

CSS preprocessors like Sass have had functions for, like, ever.

And that's fine as long as there's a "build/process *.sass" step happening on the server before the resulting HTML+CSS is getting sent to the client (browser).

Always has been.