How do you build friendships online? | Hacker News Reader

How do you build friendships online?

3 pointsgenkoph1 comment

tldr: web developer doesn't have any tech friends, he can't find such friends locally, he wants to build new friendships online, he's not sure how to go about it

More than 4 years ago, I got my first job as a web developer where I found a lot of friends that I could talk to about tech, startups, programming, etc. I call those friends "tech friends". At the time we were working in an office but after some time, the company went fully remote and I decided to move back to my hometown and work from there.

As the years passed, the company structure gradually changed, people left and at some point, I realized I had slowly grown apart from and lost touch with my original and only tech friends. I also wasn’t able to replicate those connections with my ever-changing remote colleagues.

A few months ago, I decided that I'd take a break from 9-5 due to a deep burnout and recently I realized something. Now that I’m not employed and don’t have colleagues, I’ve lost my only outlet to talk about tech and that really hurts.

My hometown doesn't have a tech scene so I decided to try building friendships online, particularly on X but I'm open to other platforms. I've heard many people say that they've met friends online but I've never been in that position and I'm not sure how to go about it.

On X, I'm giving people genuine compliments, I try to interact with them, but I don't know how to actually progress from there and try to form a connection.

Should I try joining some communities, doing some hackatons, messaging people directly, etc.?

Any direct or indirect tips would be helpful, thank you!

P.S. If you're interested, I’d be happy to make some new friends! Message me on X: https://x.com/genkoph

I can share some thoughts, as I pondered the same question a few years back, as someone in solitude for much of my life. Social media seemed like the go-to answer, but due to past mistakes and experiences with mental health, I'd become starkly against ever participating in it again.

Through endless searching, I eventually discovered the existence of "digital pen pal" apps, where you can send letters to people directly.

Some correspondences lasted just a few weeks, and many went nowhere. I got a lot of copy-pasted, two-sentence letters. But two have lasted over two years and counting. We've shared life stories, triumphs and adversity, and photos of everyday life, even a world apart.

People reach out because they want to know about you, and vice versa. A lack of point systems and an audience watching means less ulterior motives, and with bio information, you can get to know someone before you even start corresponding.

Interpersonal relations often grow from proximity, repetition, and shared experiences. But online, I feel it's mostly just posting a broadcast into a fragmented void. Interactions are motivated by the headline or content, rather than the person, and once the discussion's done, so is the contact.

It's the promise of connection gone unfilled. The interactions of one-to-many, many-to-one, largely end up being none-to-none.

I think there's sites better tailored to build true connections. But regardless of an overarching system, I think just putting oneself out there (the keyword being "oneself") - in situations to meet people, is the greatest determinator.

My friends from penpalling told me they reached out because my bio, describing my journey and stories, stood out to them because they could relate. It was euphoric to hear I wasn't alone in my problems. Asking questions, sharing experiences only deepened the connection.

I recently joined HN, partly for these reasons. Ironically, in alignment with these statements, I responded due to the thread's topic and have largely focused on just the ideas.

I'm curious to know more about your background - do you have any projects you're working on? What interests do you have outside tech? I notice your "about" section is blank - let's hear more about you!

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