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From the feature list, how do I actually accomplish these things without having the app open on iOS, or at all?

- Receive your phone notifications on your desktop computer

- Reply to text messages (or even read?)

I don't think those work between iOS and KDE Connect. I would love to be able to type iMessages on my Linux desktop's computer. If I'm wrong about this not working, someone please let me know, but I've never been able to make messages work.

No, it doesn't, and again, the repository (https://github.com/KDE/kdeconnect-ios) makes that clear and also why.

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