hmmm... this post is bewildering. Is there a particular API this is targeted at ? Some examples for each complaint would have been great to add more context. Lets look at your points...

I don’t want to build an application for your service.

I don’t want a relationship.

I don’t want to talk to any business development people.

I don’t want to read your developer blog.

I don’t want to participate in your “ecosystem”.

I don't recall any API agreement that dictates any of those. No one is forcing you to read a blog or change your relationship in facebook to 'in a relationship with twitter API'. I don't get this.

I don’t want to get an API key.

Fat chance. Some APIs need rate limiting / authentication. What do you have against obtaining an API key ? Its not that complicated. Most APIs provide BASIC auth or let you get OAuth tokens.

I don’t want to read your code samples.

ಠ_ಠ

What likely happened was that you were pissed with the API that someone provided. It had complicated requests where HTTP methods and simple structures alone were not enough to describe the request and to add to that you were given a freakin complicated way to retrieve auth tokens. You then decided to take it out on all API providers without providing enough context on your rant.

[EDIT] - formatting