> A decent internet connection where I can talk to support staff who can actually tell their ass from their elbow

I've occasionally wished for some kind of certification program that works as follows:

1. I take a test that proves I'm not an idiot on the subject of consumer product category X, and that I know how to do basic troubleshooting on problems in category X. I've given a certification in this.

2. When I call support for a problem in category X, I can tell them I'm a certified X consumer, give then my certification #, and they can verify it.

3. They then skip past all the "is the device plugged in?" and "have you tried rebooting?" and so on crap, and forward the call to a higher level tech who knows how to work with customers who know what they are doing.