Ask HN: Having a child before career has taken off | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: Having a child before career has taken off

7 pointslassearpe26 comments

Dear HN,

I am a soon-to-be dad. I am looking forward to it, and we have prepared as best we can.

However, one thought is nagging me.

I have finished my bachelors degree in computer science, and I am onset to start my master degree in the fall.

However, I have very little job experience. I have decent grades, enjoy studying and have held a TA position. But I have never worked in a CS-related role professionally and do not consider myself a very good "developer".

I am afraid that I will not be able to work as good (or long) as my peers on school, or on side projects and internships; and that, due to my lack of experience, will have future employers turn me down.

I don't know; maybe I am a bit too pessimistic. I am based in Scandinavia for reference.

Anyone with experience having a child, before your career took off? Or similarly, while in school?

Any advice or words upon the matter is appreciated.

Best wishes, Lasse.

Odds are it won't make a huge difference - everyone has a life to live outside of work. Even if it does cause some career stagnation, any decrease in your career because of having kids is going to be a good thing. Absolutely nobody gets old and then says, "I wish I worked more and spent less time with family."

Yeah, that resonates with me.

Value-wise, I would describe myself as more family-oriented than career-oriented.

I guess I am just worrying about finding a decent job along the road, also to provide for said family.

Thanks.

I don't know what it's like in Scandinavia, but here, as an employer, I would see it as a positive. Something you can use as a differentiator when interviewing.

Recent graduates often underestimate what really matters to employers, Stability.

Obviously I'm not expecting people to necessarily stay 40 years in the company, but it costs a lot of time effort and money to add a new person to the team. I'd like you to hang around a bit to make that worth it.

Having children makes fathers less "flighty". You're less obsessed with "building a resume" and more interested in the stability of the paycheck, stress-free working environment and so on.

Yes, you'll still leave for a better job, more pay and so on. But it'll be more calculated and less impulsive. Which gives us more opportunity to match your needs with my needs.

In other words the maturity you learn at home translates into more maturity in the office as well.

When interviewing for jobs, lean into words like maturity, responsibility, stability and so on. These things matter.

This makes good sense to me. Thanks a lot for the perspective :)

You have to do it sometime. Would you rather have kids in your 20s or your 40s?

The points me and my wife agreed on:

1) It takes a lot of time and energy to raise children, and there's more of both when young

2) Fertility drops sharply in 30s, and we could miss the window altogether. Also the odds of complications goes up

3) You can work as hard as you like after the kids grow up

4) Paying for college will be tougher, but my parents were able to do it

At 40, nearly everyone at my level of seniority has at least one child and they don't fault us for having them. We've all lost sleep over the baby, and we all understand that having a child younger than 2 is highly unproductive, but it gets better and most of the time they do a fine enough job that everyone forgets they have kids.

Definitely rather in my 20s. Good points to consider.

Congrats on the little one. I've been on the other side, recruiting people, and I can tell you that parents tend to be more focused and efficient, maybe because they have less time. I am not a parent myself, but as an employer who hires constantly, I think what matters is to show how sharp you are. If you have little working experience, try building projects on the side, with coding tools, you have the potential to be a 10x engineer.

Hope it helps!

Thanks :)

You mention living in Scandinavia. Won't be an issue unless you want to play startup and live in a van. A child will focus you which might work out better for your career compared to typical drinking and partying at that age.

You can do a few things at once just not everything. Dropping excess socializing and you can probably work two jobs and still be a great father.

Time to focus.

I would say that rising a kid is going to teach you many things you would never learn at school, and those social skills can make a difference in job interviews. If you're able to take care of a family then you certainly are a good team player.

Thanks, man. That's a good point.

I wish I had kids earlier. More than 1.

Thanks for the perspective.

I became a father at 24 and had both of my kids before I finished college. I didn't start programming until age 28. I turned out alright, and I am based in America where the costs of childcare and medicine will make you homeless.

Thanks for another perspective. I should be grateful for many things. Comparison the thief of joy and all that.

This is the right age of the world to do that! Congrats, happy life! You'll have a busy year and then a lot of chance to grow your career!

Thanks :)

Where do you live? I believe that this will make a huge difference. Does the state ensure decent work-life balance and childcare?

I live in Scandinavia. My other half can take some time off her job after the birth (paid parental leave), and there are no medical bills associated with the birth itself.

Based on personal experience, who ever tells you it is easy is lying to you.

Kids are amazing and you don’t realise it until you have your own, on the same time they require a lot of physical and mental energy especially if both parents work; so be prepared to lower your expectations, I don’t remember who said it but in life you can do your best in two things at most: work, family, social, sport just pick two, don’t expect to be able to do everything.

You will have some sleepless nights, sometimes your plans will drift, don’t fight it and be ready to be flexible, if you had a sleepless night the next day at work pick something easy, on good days do the complex work because you don’t know what will happen tomorrow.

You will have to orchestrate your life around things you cannot control such as when kids are ill and most importantly whenever possible to get or ask for help just do it don’t feel ashamed of asking for help.

Finally, if you plan to have a second kid, I suggest to avoid waiting too much, it’s better to have them with a two-three years distance so that once they are old enough you can focus on what you left behind when they were young and remember they grow so fast so make the most when you are with your kids personally I prefer spending time with kids rather than having an ordered house ;)

Nice, thanks :)

People should do the right things at the right age. Perhaps one day in the future you’ll be very grateful to yourself for being brave now. Come on, mate—you’re already all set; you’re just here to get everyone’s approval.

You're right about the last paragraph. At least some sort of affirmation.

Your baby will not be a burden to you; they will be a source of joy. Whilst they bring you happiness, you also have a responsibility

That's a good perspective. I will do my best.

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