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Comment by Waterluvian | Hacker News Reader

I agree with the sentiment.

But,

Whenever I catch myself reaching for “but” I recognize it is because I need to feel heard. What I did was unacceptable. But I didn’t do it in a vacuum and I need my grievances to be recognized. My belief is that omitting the “but” phrase is an act of faith. You need to trust that the other party cares about your feelings and side of the issue, too. Accepting an apology is just as delicate an act as giving one.

“I’m sorry I hit you with the blue shell.”

“I appreciate you saying that. I know you were in last place and that must have felt awful. I don’t want that for you either.”

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I find you can almost always replace “but” with “and” in situations like those and end up more heard by the other side.

I understand the urge to feel heard AND whenever we bring something that may contrast we risk the disagreement connotation that “but” carries to trigger the recipient’s defensive reaction (even if unconsciously)

First rule of relationships: adhere to the first rule of improv!

Always leave them wanting more?

Not only that, but avoid asking questions!

I had a coworker who talked all the time about their improv activities outside of work. They also dropped “yes, and” into business meetings with execs, and would then explain why.

They asked me if I thought it would be a fun team-building exercise to bring in their improv coach and do a class with a bunch of VPs and directors. I said no.

I understand the concept but sometimes people can be overzealous about their passions.

EDIT: I understand the concept and sometimes people can be overzealous about their passions.

What?! I think a 28 hour game of Twilight Imperium would be a great team destroying exercise.

I take umbrage with this gross mischaracterization. After no more than ten practice games to acquire familiarity with the rules, a game of Twilight Imperium rarely takes more than 14 hours.

Depending on the relationship involved, asking the person why they think I behaved as I did often helps. Sometimes the reason they think I did what I did is more correct than what I would have put after but or and. And sometimes the answer they give shows they are modeling my motivations completely incorrectly.

You can just reverse the two phrases:

“I felt X, Y, Z, so I did P, Q, R, but I’m sorry for that because it caused you A, B, C.”

Your usage of “but” still invalidates the preceding phrase on behalf of the latter, which works here because the affirmed phrase is the apology.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with stating your side — but if you mean it, end on the apology.

I agree with everything there except the "if you mean it" part. Phrasing things imperfectly doesn't mean you don't mean it!

So, you don’t agree with the sentiment?.. /s

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