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The notion that the average developer would recover from the removal of modern high level language abstractions and frameworks, learn assembly, and go back to their regular coding velocity is patently absurd.

They would not go back to their regular coding velocity. They couls however go back to coding, albeit in assembly.

You'd probably use the first months/years to rewrite c and such anyways.

but even the smallest modern programs would be monsters in Assembly, so it's simplicity doesn't help much, and you're juggling a lot more than 3 bean bags.

But that’s the whole problem. Almost no one has experience programming in the large with assembly. It’s far more difficult than building the simple toys built even in good university programs. It would be a total shit show and probably upwards of 80% would quit or crash out.