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Comment by arjie | Hacker News Reader

I can't square this with the fact that I have a perfect storm situation that should point me there. I am a foreigner of minority ethnicity to the United States living in a high-rise building of 600 people that has no Schelling point common-space to spend time in that's located in a city that is expensive and I have all the social contact I desire: family, close friends, more distant friends, neighbours, strangers in the building, familiar strangers in the area.

I talked about how relatively easy it is to have social contact here at all levels and so I must conclude that most people simply have better uses for their time (by their own judgment) than this. https://wiki.roshangeorge.dev/w/Blog/2025-10-09/Community

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A lot of people are convinced of things without ever trying, which they then use to justify not trying.

"I mildly attempted doing this once and it didn't work, so I won't bother trying again" describes a shocking amount of people's experiences.

I sometimes think people fail on purpose to justify apathy or giving up.

Then if anyone says anything they scream about how their experience is valid and nobody can tell them otherwise. It's wild.

There's something important about being outside our comfort zones. We need entropy in our lives and the best way to accomplish that is being in new environments with different people/creatures. What I've found is over time my comfort zone expands as I become familiar with more stuff.

The flip side to this is thinking everyone is on equal footing and that your trying is the same as their trying. They're just doing it wrong.

Most people in this post's comments that are "not trying" seem to also be depressed in some way. If you've never experienced it, depression can make trying impossible not just a minor inconvenience. Going to therapy can help, or not. Taking anti-depressants can help, or not.

Also a "mild attempt at doing this once" that ends very poorly can cause a depressed or anxious person to spiral into a self-hatred looping hellscape. It's not a rational decision they're making it just happens. After you've experienced that you're very cautious and try to never feel it again.

And then the kicker is when you're paralyzed like this everyone just thinks you're lazy or unmotivated and pretty much tells you "don't be depressed stupid" which further sends you into having a poor outlook of yourself and it spirals from there. I've been in and out of this several times in my life, it's not pleasant. I've also tried every single remedy known to man and sometimes nothing works.

To put it simply: their experience is probably valid and nobody should tell them otherwise.

To an extent. Humans are products of our environments. Right now, a lot of people seem to have figured out and/or been conditioned to not really ever try.

How do I know this? I've just asked people. I have very honest conversations with people and always have.

Back in high school I had multiple "special ed" kids who would give us test answers because they were handed them. Why would they bother trying if they can act dumb and get help? The US education system encourages test results and it has created a system of doing anything to keep funding. Small schools give kids answers to boost their results. My school, and many around it, did exactly this. Probably still do.

Since being an adult I've run across this countless times. I'm nearly 40 now and been a teacher and educator in many fields, from STEM to Outdoor.

I've had hundreds of people admit to me that not trying is easier. Someone is always willing to help or do the work for them. They don't immediately say this, but after a few minutes of discussion its very obvious and they'll often finally say it.

US media also heavily encourages it by portraying so many people as lucky or gifted or chosen. Why bother trying when the system is stacked against you?

This culture of giving everyone the benefit of the doubt conditions people to always have an excuse and to not really take responsibility.

Plenty of folks still do, I'm not saying it's a majority. But it's wild to me how folks consistently choose to ignore the fact a lot of people have figured out that they can do the bare minimum and still get by just fine.

And to be clear, I don't mean a majority of people. But it is a crazy amount. It isnt just young folks either. I see retirees with this mentality who didn't used to have it. A friend of mine's dad has turned into a complete useless dude in the last few years cuz everything is immigrants and Democrats fault, so he doesn't even bother anymore. People will, understandably, find excuses to hold themselves less accountable.

Also I'm not insulting anyone here. These are observations. I'm not saying anyone is bad or terrible, we're all people. Nobody use their perceived persecution as a way to end discussion.

I'm a white foreigner in Asia and feel the exact same as you. But I also realize, because I'm different than everyone else, there is more interest in getting to know me.

Also, people that are different than everyone else (but same background as me) seek me out to be friends.

For example, there is a HUGE difference between a Seattle Tech event where I am literally the same as the other 60 people in the room vs Vietnamese Tech event where I am one of 3 people that speak english. Those other 2 English speakers are going to walk over and chat with me.

All of the foreigners I know seem so healthy about this kind of thing. I don't know what's wrong with the rest of us.

This is precisely because you are a foreigner of minority ethnicity (the minority ethnicity points towards hailing from a more traditional culture compared to if you were white and therefore you would be from Europe which does not have a traditional culture, it has a modern culture).

To clarify the idea: you have a healthy social matrix but if you marry and settle in the US, your grandchildren won't.

About 70-75% of Americans live in single family homes. Your experience is not universal.

Right, and perhaps that indicates that the decline in social activity is a conscious trade-off made as Americans (a relatively wealthy group) prefer to live in detached land properties. That points to the social activity decline as not being something to be bemoaned but something to be celebrated because people have the opportunity to choose otherwise and they have done so in droves.

Fellow desi here, and I am happy for you, but I haven't had the same experience at all in the Bay. Imo, there is something in American culture which makes people very incurious about other cultures...because there are so many immigrants from all over the world, Americans find it hard to relate to anyone not American. My favorite example to illustrate this is how "where are you from" is everyone's favorite question in South Asia and often asked with good intentions, but it can be considered rude in the States.

Asking in the US seems to risk a faux pas these days. "Why do you assume I'm 'from' somewhere else?"

I guess some people are just looking for something to be offended about. People move around so much pretty much everybody is from somewhere else.

Haha, the only time someone has done that to me they were doing it tongue-in-cheek. I’ve never encountered an actual problem here but also recently I’ve found the “Did you grow up here?” or “How long have you been living here?” questions much more fun. They have more conversation forks in them and I like that style of conversation where each interaction increases the conversation cone.

FWIW here in San Francisco I have found many people it’s fun to be around.

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