Hacker News Reader

Comment by nezi | Hacker News Reader

If your whole personality is derived from abstract intelligence then you will have little to form relationships with others since AI is better than people at those things.

But there is a whole world of experience outside of abstract intelligence. Go to a zoo, go camping, enjoy food, enjoy art, enjoy sports. All these activities support friendships.

The relationships formed from online forms, open source contribution and IRC won’t be created. But these sort of online mostly relationships were only forged for a couple generations.

I hope your human experience involves more than abstract reasoning and programming and you can connect to others with more visceral human experience than text over the internet.

View on HN

After Covid, Facebook groups for outdoors (and other) hobbies in many countries boomed, as people wanted to go meet people again, and a shared activity seemed like a way. However, people commonly complain that these meetups feel much less social and more impersonal than in the past, and they don't lead to actual friendships (you won't ever meet other people outside the meetups, and possibly ever again even inside the meetups). The whole context of socialization has changed.

With regard to going and doing outdoors activities without any online group and meeting people that way, talking to total strangers on the trail (or in a restaurant, or in an art museum, etc.) has long been a taboo in some countries, and I suspect that number of countries is expanding. All in all, I share the author's pessimism here.

> talking to total strangers on the trail (or in a restaurant, or in an art museum, etc.) has long been a taboo in some countries

Which ones? I'm really curious to know.

Chatting up women just to hit on them has become a no-no. And some conservative countries strongly restrict most opposite gender interactions between non-relatives.

Other than that, I really don't know where it's unacceptable to make polite conversation with strangers.

Come to Finland and Sweden, which have a strong outdoor culture, but being talkative to other people on the trail is likely to make them uncomfortable. Guidelines for using communal wilderness infrastructure often emphasize the importance of giving other people space, to the point of politely ignoring them. (And no one would speak to a total stranger in a restaurant or art gallery unless they were a clueless foreigner, crazy, a religious proselytizer, or all of the above.)

More generally internationally, if one is a single man and others around are couples, socializing is rarely going to be welcome because one is just a third wheel and people will wonder why you're alone. I have seen this firsthand in the bikepacking community, which went from once being a hobby largely of solo men (who would often then team up for some time) to being predominantly couples on many popular routes.

"Talking to people" and "being talkative" are very different things though. Like you can't even ask people for directions in the Nordic wilderness?

Obviously you wouldn't speak to someone seated at another table at a restaurant. But what if you're waiting in line to be seated, and it's taking a while? It'd be "taboo" to even acknowledge other diners waiting with you?

Saying a few pleasantries and continuing about your day is not the same as socializing.

No, one would not normally acknowledge other people in a queue while waiting for a long time, not even with the slightest of pleasantries. (In any event, the very notion of "waiting to be seated" at a restaurant sounds rather foreign to these shores, though I know it is common in the USA.)

As for asking people for directions, there is a strong social pressure towards trying to solve things on your own instead of talking to random local people, and today everyone has smartphones with map apps.

The OP, however, was talking about supposedly being able to meet new friends and form bonds through public spaces, and that goes beyond the "saying a few pleasantries and then going about your day" that you mention. If your expectations do not necessarily apply to other countries, obviously his were completely unrealistic.

> No, one would not normally acknowledge other people in a queue while waiting for a long time, not even with the slightest of pleasantries

Wow TIL.

No offense but it is quite clear you don't understand how friendships are forged.

Why do you think friendships are made with strangers on hiking trails?

In my new city, I made a friend by seeing them sitting alone at a restaurant, recognizing their face from somewhere, and chatting with them. We're very close now. They thank me to this day for walking up to them that day as they'd been feeling lonely.

I've also made friends with folks I met playing sports that I hang out with outside that sport. Even the ones that I only see in the sport, that's still a valid friendship.

I'm not trying to flex how social I am because I'm not, I am just saying if you put in some effort you'd be surprised at the results. Most people are more similar than you think, most feel lonely to an extent, you just gotta reach out. You'll never get a rejection in a friendship, imo. And if you do then fuck it they just didn't get along with you.

Why are you replying to me, and not to the OP who mentioned outdoors pursuits as a way to meet people?

If you recognized someone's face in a restaurant, then they weren't a total stranger. But the OP made it sound as if talking to a total stranger is an option, when it is simply not welcome in all regions of the world.

I never said going outside to meet people, I said that you can do those activities with people to support friendships. You probably have to establish the acquaintance somewhere else first. Like sports or an art class or something else in the community.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com