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Comment by InsideOutSanta | Hacker News Reader

I don't know why people don't understand this, but something being true doesn't mean it can't also be hurtful, and it doesn't mean it has to be said. Gabe clearly already knows that he is different; there's absolutely no point in telling him this, other than to hurt him.

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I look at it through my parenting lens. You can’t just ignore it. You have to prepare them for a harsh world where they will constantly hear it, feel it, and possibly worse. I’d feel my role would be to fully acknowledge it, overly embrace it, almost to a theatrical level. This would be privately in the home and while they’re young but the idea is to make them understand their difference has lots of benefits/positives to it. It’s kind of a super power. So they have a positive self image and relationship with their difference before they have to deal with the external stuff. Then, of course, they’ll still get upset when a name caller or bully confronts them but you can lean on the foundation of this is just who you are and who you are is awesome. It still hurts ofc but that’s inevitable in this world, how you respond is controllable. Someone simply vocalizing a fact shouldn’t ruin their day if they’ve been properly “coached” to have the fortitude.

> You can’t just ignore it

I agree with your comment in general, except this one point: you sometimes absolutely can just ignore it. The instance from the article is one such example.

I didn't read it that way. The subject seems to feel overwhelming grief/dispare for being different and notices it everywhere he goes. What good is there in ignoring it? I'd address it. Own it. It seems that the subject generally has had a supportive family/community and has not had much adversity other than just feeling stuck in his life.

The instance in the article is a third party telling Gabe that he's different.

That was a singular event in the article. The article goes on to say how he sees and feels his difference everywhere. He notices in most places, everyone else is the same and he is different. I did not make the interpretation that he only notices this because once someone told him he was different. I interpret that he would have noticed this whether someone said it or not. This is why I personally would address it versus pretend it doesn't exist. From a young age, I would have presumed there is no scenario where he could live a life ignorant of his difference.

To be clear, I'm saying it can't be ignored as a parent. Gabe can ignore it, but that usually requires some proper preparation and understanding of how to deal with the emotions it may generate when someone says it. Hence the parenting part.

> That was a singular event in the article

Which is what was being discussed in this thread.

> Gabe clearly already knows that he is different; there's absolutely no point in telling him this, other than to hurt him.

That’s from top of thread, and what I’m disagreeing with. My stance is he should be told so he can understand, process, ask questions, be supported, in a safe positive environment.

Never discussing it is the same as ignoring it and he will notice or be told by someone. It might just be some innocent 3 year old on a playground, but he will be told. But you’re letting him deal with that in the moment unprepared if you don’t proactively address it as a parent. All kinds of bad could come from that.

This was in response to another comment.

It’s where I entered. The parent of that is more in tuned with my opinion of addressing it in a positive manner. You introduced the idea of concealing it/never mentioning it on that comment, there’s nothing new you’re saying here and based on other posts you’re just argumentative with everything so I’m done here.

There's a gulf of difference between burying/hiding truth and going out of your way to unnecessarily bring up a fact that serves no good purpose in context.

All of which to say, you can affirm it by being a dick, but that's not the only way to acknowledge the truth. Nor should we pretend the facts aren't there.

"You're not wrong, Walter, you're just an asshole." (The Big Lebowski)

Ah but they do understand this. They just like hurting people.

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