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Comment by gonehome | Hacker News Reader

Works great for women, but poorly for men.

Women sign up, immediately get hundreds of messages - choose one and go on a date. Men sign up, send out a few messages and nothing happens.

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I'm a guy and I've gone on a couple dozen dates from online dating sites over the years and met six of my past girlfriends this way. All of these dates came from women who wrote to me.

Cultivate interests that appeal to women, write an interesting profile, and put up a nice photo and the women will come to you. (I'm no Calvin Klein model, by the way.)

> Cultivate interests that appeal to women

Yeah... nope.

Cultivate interests that appeal to you. Those interests will probably appeal to people you will want to date as well.

For many geeky guys, this turns out to be a self-indulgent view that will virtually guarantee that they'll spend their life alone. I've met plenty of guys who think that they should just be able to find the video-game playing, D&D-, MtG-, hard scifi-, Linux-loving girl geek of their dreams. If they can, more power to 'em! On the other hand, I'm willing to bet that their chances will be significantly increased if they develop a taste and passion for art and cinema and cuisine and travel, etc.

Of course, it's not going to work if you end up having no real interest in these things, but if you do, then you might take these interests off of the back burner.

Another common fallacy is that you can weigh 300 pounds and yet attract a 110 lb waif. It's been known to happen, but the odds are stacked against you.

> Another common fallacy is that you can weigh 300 pounds and yet attract a 110 lb waif.

For guys, being skinny isn't considered that attractive though. Better than being fat, but not as good as being buff.

Yes. That being said, women's tastes seem to fall on a broader spectrum than men's. If you're a skinny guy, dress flatteringly and you'll be attractive to some non-trivial demographic of women. Skinny guys can look great in a suit or more formal clothing, or they can get skinny jeans and go for the heroin chic look. Same is true for heavier guys. Take up touch football on the weekends and there will be a demographic of southern women who will be into that.

I have two different male friends who were really very skinny and both were constantly picking up thin women. They just put themselves out there.

I am not particularly buff, and I've had about a dozen girlfriends, and have "dated" another ten or so. Now if only I could meet the right one....

Except the gender ratios for interests are not all equal. For every gamer girl, there are multiple gamer guys hitting on her.

Which is why you send out hundreds of messages. Like job searching (well, job searching outside the bubble that is software development at the moment), the trick is volume.

Also, if you're sending out a ton of messages and still getting no bites, then you're probably pricing yourself too high. Aim lower and see if you get any bites. OKCupid isn't really that gender imbalanced (at least compared to the typical science/engineering circles) so most guys should be able to get some responses, statistically speaking.

"then you're probably pricing yourself too high"

Or it's more likely that the user has unwanted characteristics, i.e. Asian male, short, etc. FWIW, I've met and dated beautiful women who I first met in real life circumstances. Whereas in online dating, I've sent messages/requests to women who I would probably not be that attracted to in real life and got zero responses. In real life, personality and confidence can compensate for certain physical characteristics.

Sure, but in my experience, engineers usually have the opposite problem. They're perfectly average looking white guys, but can't project the confidence that is necessary to be successful in the bar scene (or the similar situations). Online dating is a great format for people like that (assuming their personality is good--there is no helping the hopeless).

Also, let's face it, not every woman is out on the bar scene. There are plenty of women who find that social situation to be awkward and prefer the less intense world of online dating. I think if you're not naturally charismatic, going with the CW and trying to work the bar scene is a losing proposition. You're competing on a battlefield that doesn't play to your strengths while trying to meet the women who are least likely to overlook that aspect of your personality.

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