Ask HN: divorce advice | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: divorce advice

7 pointsson_conscious6 comments

My wife is divorcing me. A month ago we had a big argument and the next day she moved out, and is now living with her parents. She took our three year old son with her. I visit with him 20 hours per week.

I pay all the bills, and have done so since we got married 7 years ago. My salary is 80k. We rent a 2 bedroom apartment, own 2 cars, and have 1 credit card (hers) which has a $2k balance.

Her parents are well off and they have hired a divorce lawyer for her. I have $1500 in cash, $1500 in 401k and otherwise no means to hire an attorney.

My wife is deeply obsessed with our son, and smothers him all day and all night. Leaving him with a babysitter for a couple of hours would be unthinkable to her. Happily my father-son hours have increased under this new living arrangement. It is easier to pry her from him when I am a visitor.

We saw a marriage counselor for a few months, ending in January. In short the counselor's assessment was that my wife was extremely sensitive, obsessive and stubborn. In our last meeting she stormed out of the room in tears after the counselor suggested perhaps my wife should consider getting a job.

Her personality is lightyears apart from mine. I use the wrong part of my anatomy to make decisions about women.

Which brings me to the one liability I might have in front of a judge. I occasionally look at adult video on the internet. My fear is that my wife's lawyer could demand URL logs from our ISP, and use that to damage my credibility. Depending on how far back the search went, it could be embarrassing. Are such inquiries common in modern divorce?

Would you recommend I use what little cash I have to hire a lawyer? The going rate appears to be $300/hr. I am considering going into debt, to save over the long run. How many hours should I budget?

Pardon my posting this on HN. I enjoy hacking for a living but in real life today I feel dumb and alone. I appreciate any advice.

Personally I find people who don't watch porn to be of poor credibility, sorry for the levity, but I'm slightly shocked that a porn habit should count against you. Though I wouldn't be surprised if it did. The secret there may simply be to establish that your habit, if proven to exist (after all they'd have to tie the logs to your use of a computer), is not outside of the bounds of normal human habits relating to pornography. If your porn habit arose from a lack of sex, then that may even count in your favour, depending on who is at fault for the breakdown in such a lack of sex.

That's all the thoughts I can offer though, I'm an unmarried Brit, so I have a lack of experience of divorces in a country where they are a lot different. I wish you luck though, as the only breadwinner in a seemingly unfair relationship I hope you come out on top.

1st, I'm sorry. Divorce is tough. Not easy, not clear cut and can drag on for a long time.

My best advice is to get a lawyer. It will cost you but in the long run it will save you way more when it comes to issues that MUST be dealt with. Child support, dividing possessions, etc.

Second, let things roll of your back a bit. You are not in any trouble. You aren't a murderer facing a life sentence in prison. Take words from her and her attorney with a bit of a grain of salt. Acting agressive or like an asshole could be a detriment if they bring it up in front of a judge.

Third, have fun with your son, enjoy him. Start demonstrating that you are a good dad and you can provide a safe, stable home for him.

Fourth, stay away from having girls over and around your son for now (since you said you make decisions with the wrong part of your anatomy) until your divorce is final or legally separated. Lawyers will prey on that like a thanksgiving feast. Dont give them a reason to think that you never had your wifes interests in mind and now that she is gone you are going to bone whomever shows interest.

Fifth, talk to people that you know were divorced and see how the dealt things.

Lastly, been here my friend. Mine was messy and I didn't always restrain with my words as I should have. it cost me for a few years until I wised up and petitioned the court for changes.

E-Mail is in my profile if you want to talk more.

Good Luck. Stay relaxed.

1) About the internet usage....yes, it is very common for lawyers to look for that. It is however, uncommon for an ISP to turn over such data short of a subpoena, and ISPs will generally (but not always) fight a non-criminal subpoena. Also, ISPs log IPs, not URLs, unless you are also using your ISPs's DNS servers. Finally, judges don't really care if a party to a divorce watches adult content...unless the type/amount of such viewing creates a bad environment for children.

2) Yes, hire a lawyer...especially because she already has. It will be a cash crunch now, but your lawyer will save you money in the long run. (If she hadn't hired a lawyer, it would have been cheaper and faster to settle things amicably.) Can't say how much to budget, but I can say that non-amicable but simple divorces start at $6000 in my area and just go up from there. (Again, though...it's cash spent now to save 10x or more in the future.)

3) I repeat: hire a lawyer. It's worth it.

My wife works in a family court, I sent her your post and she replied with this:

- Don't believe in anything that people will say to you, they are usually wrong, talk to a lawyer or court services

- Litigation is not necessary in a divorce, but it seems that she wants that, so yes, you need a lawyer

- Your case is not unique and the decision about it has already been made by past cases, no one will dig your computer logs, except if you say you can't pay for child support and are posting ferrari pictures in your facebook

- You will talk to a lawyer, try to find someone you trust (someone recommended by friends or family) for a chat before making decisions, you don't need to pay for a initial chat

What do you think the issues in contention are going to be in the divorce? That will determine whether you need a lawyer or not. Are you happy with the 20 hours per week you see your son? If so, is your wife agreeable to putting that in the divorce decree? What about child support and property division -- have you talked about that and can you reach an agreement? If so, you don't really need a lawyer.

I am not a lawyer but i find it hard to believe that a divorce case can be made out of the fact that the husband watches porn. For the embarrassment part, sure it will embarrass you if the lawyer brings it up even though I don't see why. Can a divorce lawyer on HN comment on this if any ?

Reply on news.ycombinator.com