Fonts make me insane

I'm going to blatantly ignore the content of your post and make a suggestion:

Have you tried using font-smoothing?

-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; font-smoothing: antialiased;

I find it helps, though you may want to darken the text a bit afterwards (or increase the weight).

I add this to my hosts file to speed up browsing and avoid these issues: 127.0.0.1 fonts.googleapis.com