Hacker News Reader

Comment by oyvindeh | Hacker News Reader

This is sad, but it's also plain old human psychology.

If you help someone out, you put yourself in an inferior position. If you're always the one sacrificing yourself, people around you will feel more and more superior to you. At some point, they will start expecting that you sacrifice yourself whenever shit hits the fan.

This doesn't mean it's bad to help out, or to sacrifice yourself once in a while. But in order to keep sanity and self dignity, it's extremely important to learn to say no as well.

View on HN

If you help someone out, you put yourself in an inferior position.

I don't think so. I don't feel so.

At least when things are reasonable. Rather to the contrary: I feel stronger for being able to help.

Of course, in an unhealthy situation where help is required but not appreciated, and the person who help is not respected, then it's different. Fortunately, not my case most of the time.

I don't think so. I don't feel so.

It's important to keep in mind that the other party may feel superior, even though you don't feel inferior.

However, for many people this whole thing will never become a problem, because they are good at protecting their integrity.

At least when things are reasonable. Rather to the contrary: I feel stronger for being able to help.

That may very well be the case. But people (and situations) are different, and if you have a problem saying no, things may get very unhealthy.

Of course, in an unhealthy situation where help is required but not appreciated, and the person who help is not respected, then it's different. Fortunately, not my case most of the time

I guess that is often the case in stories like this. If you never say no, at some point your help gets more expected than appreciated.

It's important to keep in mind that the other party may feel superior, even though you don't feel inferior.

I can't quite see why that is important. It doesn't hurt me that the other party feels superior. Sometimes it may amuse me, though.

> If you help someone out, you put yourself in an inferior position.

What? This doesn't make sense. When you help someone out, you are putting that person in an inferior position. Does a beggar feel superior to you because you tossed him a quarter?

I guess I could have been more clear.

When you toss a coin, you are already in a superior position. You toss the coin to be nice, and/or to affirm your position as superior (depending on your personality).

That's totally different from agreeing to work over the weekend to save somebody's ass. It's OK as a one-off, but if you do it more often than others, that's when you put yourself in an inferior position.

And this is precisely how the guy from the story thought, that's why he was saying he should be CEO, but the reality was different, because he was treated more like a slave..

Who is getting their work done, with least effort?

They are. They are using your experience to complete one of their objectives, with less effort for themselves.

What about your objectives? Well, if you are measured on helping other people complete their objectives, then it's neutral, you both meet objectives. But if you are not, if you have your own piece of work that needs to advance, then you're pushing back the completion of your objectives.

It does make sense. I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who said you should try to get someone to do you a favor because they'll be more likely to do you more favors in future.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com