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Comment by danielrm26 | Hacker News Reader

Would you hug Hilary Clinton if you’ve met her on two or three different occasions? Of course not. And it’s the same for the female CEO of a major bank. So then, why would you hug a female work associate that you’ve only met twice?

Answer: you don’t hug Mrs. Clinton or the female CEO because you respect them too much.

Now, notice that this is how men treat ALL males.

http://danielmiessler.com/blog/on-hugs-vs-handshakes-for-fem...

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Your feelings probably come from the idea that "Men don’t do this with other men". They do, just not in your social group or culture. It's not disrespectful; if you don't really know each other it's awkward at worst.

Simple test: would you go get coffee with this person, with no business interests? Yes) Hug for men, hug+cheek-kiss for women, No) Hand-shake.

Disclaimer: I'm from Brazil.

I think this is a big part of it. As a woman I prefer handshakes in most business situations, but I would be totally fine with a hug or hug+cheek-kiss in a more casual business environment if they were also hugging/cheek-kissing my male colleagues. If they hug/cheek-kiss everybody, they're just a huggy, kissy person and that's fine. If someone hugged/kissed me but shook hands with my male colleagues, to me that says they think their relationship with me is somehow different from their relationship with my male counterparts, and that would make me very nervous.

Your "would you get coffee with no business interests" test is a neat way to think about it. Thanks! I know I definitely would hug my best friends, but would not hug my coworkers.

In a sense, it's like the German distinction between friends and acquaintances: friends are a rare treasure, whereas in America we seem to consider just about everyone friends.

What? I would absolutely go in for the hug on Hillary, especially if we've met and had meaningful exchanges. I think it's weird that you think hug -> low respect.

I actually have hugged Hillary Clinton (seriously!), even though I'm quite certain she had no idea who I was.

It's awesome, everyone should do it.

Eww. I'll pass, thanks.

I think much of the reason why it's "normal" for men to greet women with hugs and men with handshakes isn't about disrespecting women. I expect it's really about not seeming gay. In my personal experience, much of male society is suspicious of physical intimacy between men, and treats it with homophobia. That, I expect, puts a social pressure on men not to hug each other, and that is how our norms have evolved. As other people point out, in a lot of other cultures men do hug other men (for example, I hug other men).

Certainly, you can't accuse Shane Snow of trying to push an agenda that supports the notion of men being cool and composed. He is super awkward and he knows it.

Also, the notion that hugging too much cheapens hugging is a bit silly. It's very easy to express genuine warmth and emotion in an embrace. It doesn't matter how many other people you've hugged, or how indifferent you were at the time. Your friends aren't going to see you hug other people and think "oh, man, he'll hug anyone, maybe that means I'm not special".

It's not a matter of respect; it's a matter of familiarity.

In our friend circle, even with newer friends, we all hug… men, women, everybody hugs each other. It's nice.

When in doubt, I say "Hey… do we hug?" with a smile before saying hello or goodbye. It works.

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