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Comment by criswell | Hacker News Reader

We judge others by their actions, ourselves by our intentions.

I tend not to do this, which is why I find myself at age 35 with practically no grudges held and very few people who I cannot tolerate or even appreciate. It also makes it easier to recognize whether something is reconcilable in business, with employees, etc. Accidents happen, people make mistakes. I often find that unless I truly believe something was done out of malice, I have very little problem getting over it quickly.

I'm also 35 and feel exactly the same way. This often gets me in trouble with my wife when she exclaims "how could x have done y!" and I proceed to stick my foot in mouth by saying "maybe they were thinking z".

I've had the same exchange with my wife many times, and it always results in an argument. I guess there are some mistakes I make more than once.

Coincidentally, I am 35 and feel the same way :) Most of us are just working hard to get through the day and we're all going to screw up sometimes. I always try to offer understanding for others' mistakes, and hopefully I'll receive the same.

Well, if you've held your tongue at least once, then that's what I call progress. Being forgiving of others' mistakes is not something that will ever steer you wrong (except in the case of the NSA surveillance, but I digress), and that extends doubly to excusing your wife for her unforgiveness. And "shh!", don't tell her I said that, and mine neither.

Hmmmm, it sounds like she may want empathy and the ability to vent rather than any sort of solution or analysis. That's something that I've struggled with in the past but I think I'm getting better at.

Well, he is empathizing... just not with his wife. :-)

Women (especially significant others) tend to want you to agree with them, not with the person they're complaining about.

Don't give an objective analysis of the situation with an account of the other person's point of view, especially if your wife or girlfriend is in the midst of emotionally venting. It won't be appreciated.

Once she's cooled off and feels listened to and heard, then you can start to reintroduce logical analysis and 'what was the other party thinking and why did they do what they did'. But not right away.

Goofball hypothesizing about people as grouped objects is always fun to read. Wait, no. It's the other thing. Terrible to read.

In my experience, men do this just as much. People just don't question men's subjective assessment of things as much as they do women's.

I'm not 35 but I often try to defuse situations with my wife just this way : "Neither of [us/them] meant evil, so let's just get over it"

Hanlon's razor fits really well here. "Don't attribute to malice what you can to stupidity."

Worse: 'Can you even imagine doing Y?' Yes dear, I have a healthy imagination.

Indeed. Fundamental attribution error.

Perceived intentions and perceived actions often seem to fit the bill better then actual actions.

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