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Comment by ilitirit | Hacker News Reader

> Personally, I try not to say things like "dumbing down"

I know exactly what you mean. That's why I put in quotes. It just makes it easier to talk about.

Usually, "dumbing myself down" in my case means suppressing knowledge that I have. I can't fault other people for not knowing things that I do because as you say different people have different interests, and beside that I spend much more time on the internet that what they do, so I'm more up to date with current affairs than they are.

But whether you take "dumbing down" to mean suppression of knowlege, skills or intelligence, the end result is what I was referring to.

> I continue to talk about things that I think are interesting in all company, and when conversation moves in a direction that I don't like, I disengage

This is part of what I mean. Maybe other people have a higher tolerance level (or maybe I do it too much) but this kind of behaviour has really taken it's toll on me.

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If someone say "we only use 10% of our brains", do you really view it as "dumbing yourself down" if you hold back a long lecture about the actual structure of the human brain? If so, I would say you simply lack social skills. This is not a bad judgement on you in itself, not everybody was born with equal endowment in social skills, and they can be learned. However, the way in which you ascribe your lack of ability to get along with your fellow human beings to your much vaster intelligence is a little ugly.

My default instinct is to feel bad for socially inept people, because I have had a good deal of social problems myself. However, I often find that socially-inept people are simply ugly on the inside, even after I give them the benefit of the doubt. Walking around making constant negative judgments about the intelligence of your peers is hardly a good way to get along.

> However, the way in which you ascribe your lack of ability to get along with your fellow human beings to your much vaster intelligence is a little ugly.

Maybe I didn't explain myself well enough, but I get along with other people very well. People like being around me for various reasons. Don't get me wrong - I am fully aware that there is much more to life than intellectual stimulation and in no way do I base my relationships with people on this idea alone. I'm just talking about one outcome of managing my relationship with others, and I would like to find out how many other people have gone through this (or are going through this) and how they deal with it. I find that self-improvement is one of the first steps in managing relations with others. Because at the end of the day, it is my problem, not theirs.

It's difficult to convey your precise meaning when it comes to interpersonal relationships. You can try very hard to explain what you mean but there will invariably be some ambiguity (it took me a few days to figure out how I should verbalize this to HN - in the end I decided to avoid analysis-paralysis). In many cases, the best one can do is hope that what you say strikes a chord with people in similar situations (hence the opening and closing sentences). That more people are commenting on individual pieces of my post rather than sharing there own experiences could be an indication that there aren't many people that can relate to this.

Whatever the case, I am grateful for the responses.

You have an unhealthy view of other people. You're asking "how can I get along with people who are too dumb to hold my interest?". That implies a negative value judgment of them, even though you backpedal and justify yourself by claiming that you seek self-improvement. Learn to enjoy the unique positive aspects of other people and you will be much happier.

My ex couldn't follow my academic work, but she was a writer with a rich inner life. That was interesting to me, and we got along. If I wrote her off because she couldn't follow complexity theory, I would have missed out on a good relationship.

Personally, I had many problems socializing. I used to hate parties, clubs, large gatherings, etc. I would get bored. However, I value other people and I value having good social skills. So I bought books and worked at it. The challenge of being good at social situations turns out to be interesting enough to hold my attention.

What books did you feel helped you?

Walking around making constant negative judgments about the intelligence of your peers is hardly a good way to get along.

I posit that this is mostly due to the very incomplete first-hand/direct understanding most of us have of intelligence. Most of us only know one or several slim slices of intelligence. This may make it very hard for us to recognize intelligence in another.

I am reminded of an encounter with the clerk at the comic book store the day before yesterday. He was trying to make me out like I was some sort of illiterate because I didn't know who everyone in the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen was. (I know the major characters only.) As it so happens, much of my interest is in music and not literature, but I am sometimes moved by literature. He seemed positively smug that only he was curious enough to Google all the minor characters.

One thing that I might say -- it seems that a degree of "emotional intelligence" might have tremendous leverage -- it may well help you find others who are intelligent in novel and interesting ways.

Another situation from the past week -- there's a woman in one of the jam sessions I go to, who's just a terrible drummer! She has no sense of rhythm, except to approximate the beat with random and inappropriate errors. (Which totally wipes out the wonderful push-pull on the rhythm that the really good musicians are trying to share with each other.) It's like she's an incontinent with no sense of smell, inured to everyone's teeth-gritting tolerance of her. Well, there's a definite "flow" to socializing, and many different styles. It's advisable to either learn the particular "flow" of your group, or find another one more to your liking.

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