"If LISP is so amazing, and if LISP has first mover advantage over anything the average programmer has ever heard of, why is it so resoundingly a bit player?"

Since when did quality and functionality have anything to do with mass appeal? Anyone here can name multiple excellent technologies that never gained enough traction to reach the masses. Many of us still use them, public be damned.

There may be valid reasons why Lisp is not superior. Lack of mass adoption is not one of them.