Ask HN: Have I wasted my college years by commuting?

I commuted too. It totally sucked, and I got much less out my college experience than I could've. My girlfriend did too. Basically, our answer is, yes, you did, sorry.

Some people are somehow able to naturally fit into the college life even though they commute. Other people just don't, and need the continuous hustle of the dorm life to really feel like they are learning something about how people live and interact. You just might be one of the latter.

Thanks for replying, much appreciated.

I don't know...I guess I'm sad that my parents were against dorming since I lived so close. I try to get over the fact that I commute because I feel like I can do something for myself even if I am in this situation. I'll go through these periods in my life where I feel inadequate, dealt bad cards, and didn't take the chance to leave even when my GPA was fantastic. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate myself but all I have are grades and some great conversations with professors. Still...

Mind if I ask where you went to college? What are you doing now?

I went to NYU, and commuted to Manhattan from Queens. My parents were also against me dorming. Yea I wasn't too pleased with them for that. Oh well. This was over a decade ago - now I live in Berkeley, CA; I work as a consultant programmer on various web related projects, after having done a few startups as a cofounder (none worked out) and at this point the fact that I lived at home during college is no longer relevant - after college I got a job, moved into a four bedroom apartment in Brooklyn NY with a couple of dudes some of whom I knew from high school, and pretty much spent all of my twenties doing what people do for four years in dorms in colleges: coding with my roommate, partying, self-analyzing, making mistakes, building and fucking up relationships, developing various professional and social skills.

My advice is probably exactly what you'd expect a reasonable, more adult and "mature" person on the internet whom you've never met say: don't do anything drastic. Finish your college at home, maintain your GPA, see if you can maybe land a job, local or remote, while you are still in school so that you have some money ready to be at your disposal once you graduate. As soon as you graduate, move your ass to a major city that is an epicenter of whatever your career happens to be, and live in a cool neighborhood with lots of other recent grads. Hopefully there will already be people you may know - maybe from high school, maybe from college - this will be your starting point for a social circle. Or if not - there's always meetup.com and okcupid.com

Good luck, and don't worry about missed opportunities. I've missed ten times as many more opportunities in my twenties as I did during college. If I had spent a lot of time thinking about all the things I missed out on in life, I'd probably put a bullet into myself a long time ago.

I went to NYU as well.. and actually commuted from Queens as well! (Did we go to the same CS classes as well?!!)

When you graduate from college, it's a whole whole different ball game. Most people lose touch with their friends from college, regardless of whether they dormed or not. Everyone gets a job at a boring Corp. Everyone eventually stops partying until 1 AM in the morning. Everyone eventually starts worrying about paying the rent, and all the "adult" things... trust me, by the time you graduated, everyone starts from Step 1.

Now go build a startup, so you can got an escape hatch after you graduate ^_^

my email address is in my profile - email me, we'll chat.

Do join a fraternity. I never thought of myself as the fraternity type, but joined one in my third year of college too after a few friends did. Best decision I ever made. 14 years later it's still a major part of my social life, both with current students and alumni from all years from my class to the present.

What a fraternity gives as opposed to clubs is the opportunity for unstructured types of social interaction. A fraternity house is where you can just hang out with whoever's around, rather than being always oriented on the tasks and projects of a club.

I wasn't the same guy after college as after high school, a change almost entirely induced by the fraternity. A Greek house is a fantastic opportunity to learn open-ended leadership roles and break out of the task-assignment structure of academia and business grunt work.

Whether commuting can work depends a lot on the particular fraternity, of course. Mine has always had a fair few commuters. It's not quite the same as living in the house, but with effort to show up and be around and involved, commuters can get a pretty good experience as well. It's not too late to join. The relationships and experience will stay with you after graduation.

Is it possible to rush spring semester? I think I missed out on rushing fall this month. I guess my main concern is being hazed and dealing with all the negative stories I've heard. Are there any fraternities you recommend?

My house is Alpha Sigma Phi and we're pretty strongly against hazing. But each chapter of every fraternity at any school has its own personality. Do you know anyone in any of the fraternities on your campus? Talk to them and see what they think about Greek life.

I think most fraternities at most schools do rush for both fall and spring semesters, though of course the particulars will vary.

Have you considered that some of it is just mad cabin fever? Sounds like you've been in the same house for at least 6 yrs. Why don't you take a term or two off to work and travel, starting this Jan or next summer?

Let's suppose the equation is

(baseline commuter alienation)*(personal response factor) + (cabin fever) = ):

First term is difficult to change (moving on campus might not make financial sense or that much of a difference if it's still your hometown); but dealing with the second term can be super doable both logistically and financially. Just make sure you have a structured plan of what to do, that you'll be around other people, and that you have a fixed date & plan for coming back to college. You're not dropping out, just ducking in and out really quick for some air.

In addition, you might be surprised, 5 terms of college isn't necessarily too late to transfer. It just depends on the target school in question and how the credits work out.

Good luck, unknown internet buddy!

Great advice! I would highly recommend looking into study abroad, even if just for a short time. It's a great experience if you can afford it - I made a lot of friends through this. Alternative Spring Break or volunteering is another good option.

I don't think you should mix "substantial change in personality from high school" with "living on campus". There are probably millions of college students who live on campus for four years and make very little change from high school. And there are millions of commuters who do. And there are many people who don't attend college at all who change. Etc. There is not one path toward personal growth.

I'd say more than anything else, focus on making real friends, and hit that hard. It doesn't matter what the manner is that you encounter them; one of my best friends from one era of my life I met because he got food at the job I worked at. Others were from classes. Reach out to people whenever you can, and see if you can take a genuine interest in them.

Ummm... no.

How much did you spend on accommodations? If you commuted, the answer should be zero. In four years, someone who paid for a dorm racked up a 40K tab.

I commuted and yes, I did not have the "animal house" experience. I made up for commuting by joining a lot of activities - archery, squash, karate, etc. Met some fantastic people who weren't in CS - still in touch with some of these folks a decade after school.

Key insight ... save every penny.

the thing is, being close to your college or work is that you have all that time you're spending to yourself. if it takes 2 hours in total then you will have 2 more hours for yourself in which you can learn something new or build something good. this is why i relocate to a closer location when i have a new job.