Are you serious? Are you stuck in 1997? Have you ever heard of wp-supercache or wp-totalcache? Or even setting up an nginx server with built in cache? C'mon dude. Static followers are so few and they're just hard core people. Stop wasting your time.
The reason static followers are so few is because it sucks, but so does Wordpres. Statiq is going to actually make static blogging accessible to people