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Comment by untog | Hacker News Reader

I don't mean to sound rude, but does "Don't: be annoyed or upset" really make a difference? I mean, who objectively and dispassionately decides to be annoyed or upset?

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Emotions aren't a choice, but emotional awareness and control can be. When annoyed or upset, stopping to ask yourself why you're annoyed or upset can be very beneficial. The old "stop, take a deep breath, and count to 10" advice from grade school has some merit. (You don't literally have to stop, take a deep breath, and count to ten. But making a conscious effort to be aware of one's emotions is a worthwhile exercise.)

I've found that literally stopping to take a breath is actually a very good practice for this situation. Helps me avoid a lot of bad moods caused by inconsequential things. Process the negative information, realize it's inconsequential, and return to a state of calm.

(I don't count to ten)

This applies for small things, but most things that people get distressed about are small.

It's amazing how well this works, at least for me.

Sometimes I even make an effort to think to myself, "How would X respond to this situation?" Replace "X" with anyone of your choice who would probably be a lot cooler than you under stress: Jesus, Spock, Batman, James Bond, Yoda, Mr. Rogers, or whoever the heck epitomizes "chill" in your worldview.

It sounds cheesy, and it probably is. But it works. Chances are, the "X" of your choice wouldn't react hastily or let small things get to him. Shit happens to everybody, but stopping in mid-emotional-flareup to process an appropriate response is a skill. And skills can be developed.

We don't choose to be annoyed, but we allow ourselves to be. Being annoyed never has a logical reason to it; it's an emotion; so by reminding myself of that I can make sure it doesn't negatively affect me. (Not that emotions are bad, but this one seems to only negatively affect me, so I don't want it.)

For example, when someone insults you in an offensive way. Why be annoyed? If it's true you should fix it; if it's false then he's mistaken. By remembering that, when I see that I'm about to become annoyed, my list reminds me to stay mellow.

Emotions are more choice than you're giving credit for. Next time you notice you're feeling annoyed, take a moment to manage your emotional state. Reflect on your day in the broader context; get to the bottom of what's really bothering you (often you just remember that it's mundane and you get over it); think about something you're excited about; consider changing the topic. Often, with ten or fifteen seconds of thought, you can completely transform an unwanted mood.

I don't think it's possible to avoid being annoyed or upset, but it's possible to remind yourself that hanging onto that mood is counterproductive and to move on to thinking about something else.

"Don't let yourself be annoyed by minor things for very long" might be a more realistic take.

You may not be able to prevent yourself from getting annoyed, but you can remember to stop being annoyed.

I think you can learn not to react to the stimulus that makes you annoyed. Its a principle of the Alexander technique. You will also notice than Buddhist monks look very calm. I think it would be pretty difficult to get them annoyed.

It's probably the same as with learning about your cognitive biases: First you start noticing your bias right after you did it, then you start catching yourself in the act, and eventually you're able to stop yourself before even doing it.

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