Having said that, the guys at Keen were great to work with as I was sorting this out. The email I sent to their generic "contact us" address with some data modelling questions was answered promptly by one of the founders with solutions which, while I didn't like them, were interesting and would have worked out. They were also generous in letting me crash through the initial free quota while I was figuring out if the thing worked out for my use.
So while I didn't sign up as a paying customer with them (and I've stopped sending them events), it was among the most pleasant interactions I've had with a prospective analytics vendor in a long while - well done guys!