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Comment by scrabble | Hacker News Reader

As a parent, I'm afraid that I wouldn't know if my kid was bullying people at school. She'd never come home and tell me about the bullying she did.

But you better believe that as soon as a concerned parent, teacher, or child told me about it there would be hell to pay for my kid.

I jump to blaming the kid before I blame the parents. Sure, we are responsible for raising our children, but there comes a time when they are away from us and we don't always get the full story about what is going on when we're not there to see.

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My mother always assumed the adults were right in any situation I was ever in as a kid. I believe that has had an affect on me and on my relationship with my mother. My wife tells stories about how her mother came to her defense in important moments in her life. Besides creating amusing stories to tell later in life I think it had a role in strengthening their relationship. I always get a bit sad and jealous when I hear those stories.

If you generally jump to blaming your daughter by default, it makes sense that she wouldn't tell you openly about what is happening for her.

I think you misread that comment. She stated that her kid would not tell her that she IS bullying (not BEING bullied).

No, I didn't misread it. I am pointing out that if kids expect to be blamed for things by default, then they will learn not to disclose them.

It is the adults who have the power to create an an environment of trust. Not the kids.

Consider that it is possible to be both bullied and a bully at the same time, and that while bullying is a terrible behavior that cannot be condoned, a bully may not want to be a bully and may need help to stop other than simply being blamed.

Do you really think a child is ever going to tell any (responsible) parent that they just beat up another kid for fun today and ask for a high five?

I don't think I've ever encountered, in real life or media, a child coming clean with their parents about harassing and hurting other people without some outside pressure (aka other parents or the school getting involved)

No I don't think that they are going to ask for a high five. That's a meaningless straw man.

I think that kids do experience shame when they hurt others, and will confide in people they trust, if they have such a person.

I have witnessed this. Obviously if they've developed a serious pattern of bullying then it's going to be a lot harder, but having kids have someone they can confide mistakes in before that happens is part of how we can prevent it from developing.

I'm a man, but that's unimportant here. Yes, my kid would not tell me if she was a bully.

Any sort of meaningful conversation with my kid about it would likely devolve into a childish argument where the defense is "No, I'm not. It's the other kids."

You're faced with two choices here. On one side, you can back your kid. On the other, you can think that you're likely not getting the full story and that something really is going on.

My child, in particular, has a real problem with shifting blame. You need to have a read on your children so that you can properly judge for yourself what's going on. Bullying is not ok and your kids need to know that it's going to be no nonsense when it comes to bullying.

Kids certainly do develop patterns of shifting blame, it's true. That's usually because they've learned that it's better to shift blame than to take responsibility.

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