Comment by leorocky | Hacker News Reader

Comment by leorocky | Hacker News Reader

I may be alone in this but I don't want anyone to talk to me. I don't even want people to talk around me but that's probably not anything I can expect. I want to read my book. I want to be left alone. In Japan it's very much frowned upon to talk on the train, at least in Tokyo. I kind of like that system.

Why? I'm just not friendly. I don't enjoy talking. It's filled with social anxiety and if I want to stop talking I can't just stop. I can't just say "you know what I don't want to talk anymore" and then look away in the middle of a conversation. I don't want to spend 20 minutes or half the day wondering how I came across in the conversation. I definitely don't want my time dictated by others. I had a friend actually get mad at me when I said I would ignore someone who struck a conversation with me on BART, he felt I was obligated to respond to not make that person feel shitty, but maybe that person should just have noticed that my body language is all about being left the fuck alone.

> In Japan it's very much frowned upon to talk on the train, at least in Tokyo. I kind of like that system.

My experience was different. Random people started conversations with me, including a coy girl on the shinkansen, even though her English was as good as my non-existant Japanese. I'm pretty sure it depends on how inviting you look for conversations. I mostly had a dumb smile on throughout my trip, so I guess they liked that.

I would say riding a local commuter train (ie. on the JR Yamanote-line in Tokyo) versus long-distance (ie. the bullet train/shinkansen) might be a sufficient different environment that talking is more accepted.

As long as one isn't overly loud, of course.

If you're outside of one of the "quiet zones" (like the local commuter trains or the subway); I find that people are really warm and friendly and doesn't mind talking for a while or helping you out a bit. I guess it helped a lot that I spoke some bare minimal Japanese (to the point where some started talking English to me, as the conversations approached more medium/advanced territory).

Reading your book is a strong signal that you don't want to be disturbed. Most people would respect that.

I believe the article was more referring to people falling into activities as an icebreaker avoidance behaviour than as a legitimate need to concentrate. :-)

And that is just fine, too - one thing you (and everyone) should remember is that not everyone is or wants the same socially, and not everyone responds the same way about social interaction.

see also: Extrovert Ideal.

Hi how you doing? Do you post here often? How about this weather huh?

Can't you see I'm reading?! (your comment)

> Why? I'm just not friendly.

Maybe the problem isn't with other people.

Why? He clearly doesn't enjoy talking to people. I'd say it's the other people forcing him to talk to them as having the problem. If someone doesn't look like they want to talk, then why don't you give them the courtesy of simply not bothering them?

> If someone doesn't look like they want to talk, then why don't you give them the courtesy of simply not bothering them?

I've had bad days before where I've been cheered up by complete strangers. I don't plan on assuming everyone who reads a book or looks distant has a debilitating fear of human interaction. That would be a disservice to the rest of society.

But doesn't it seem odd to expect common decency from strangers while not extending it? If OP is truly okay with not being friendly, I'm perfectly fine reciprocating.

Preach it, brother.

I would personally find it really awkward and unpleasant if every time I got on a train or bus some random tried to engage me in conversation. Just leave me alone so I can enjoy being by myself!

Yeah, I think that too. Random train-strangers aren't going to be as interesting as my book I wouldn't think.

But then the article reckoned everyone in their experiment also thought that, and yet turned out to be wrong, their predictions of their own reaction were mistaken.

Guess the only way to be sure our predictions of our own reactions are correct is to test 'em now and then.

I think the reason it could be as interesting as some other activity we do in transit because the random conversation is a rare occurrence, and that kind of serendipity is kind of special in some way.

Not that you should feel obliged to be other than you are, but if you don't like the social anxiety you can work on that. I have, and now I generally find small talk with strangers quite pleasant. It wasn't easy, but I'm glad I made the change.

What did you do to work on your social anxiety, if you don't mind my asking.

My first thought, an anxious one, was that it was scary to talk about this in public. Which it is, but fuck it.

A really valuable part was booking regular appointments with a therapist. One of the subtle things about anxiety is that it often naturally leads to avoidance. Deciding to be regularly accountable for my progress kept me from just sweeping it back under the rug.

Other than that, I did a lot of experimenting to see how to keep my general stress and anxiety levels low. Diet, exercise, sleep schedule, and home environment all made important differences for me. With a more chill baseline, the social stuff was easier to deal with.

Another chunk was recognizing how self-reinforcing anxiety can be. When anxiety makes an experience worse, it trains us that the experience is bad, which triggers more anxiety next time. Learning to slowly undo that process was helpful. (That might have come out of Hallowell's Worry, but I no longer recall.)

Meditation was definitely helpful. Partly because a big part is practice in quieting one's thoughts and emotions. And partly because it let me more closely observe anxiety and related mechanisms.

And from there, it was mainly practice. Which kinda sucks, but in the same way that training for a sport sucks. The individual moments are often painful, but I do fine as long as I keep my focus on how I'm gradually improving over time.

Isn't this the point of the article though? that most people thought just like you, that the interaction would be miserable and a waste of their time, yet they were enriched by it?

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