My Response to the Accusation that Nerds are Misogynistic

> You don't know what it's like to be in my shoes. To be extremely lonely with no friends. To have nothing but your intelligence to keep you company. To change your patterns of living, the places you eat, and the paths you walk, just to avoid certain social situations. To stay confined to one place for a while because to get to where you want to be, you have to pass through an anxiety-zone to get there.

I know what's it like to be in your shoes. You're describing me, or at least who I have been for a long time, to a tee! I can elaborate, but suffice it to say it's pretty much as you describe. It even made me consider suicide for a while.

But more importantly, tons of people know what it's like (especially in this corner of the world).

It's just that 1) we're not very visible in popular culture on account of it not being that interesting to watch an episode of a guy sit at a computer by himself, and 2) lonely people, by definition, don't meet lonely people.

A very, very common and very harmful defense mechanism that I've seen and experienced is to blame others for this, and to develop a sense of arrogance ("nothing but your intelligence"). While this is understandable, I think it's completely untrue and most importantly: it's utterly pointless. Even if it's true, it's not going to change how you feel, it's not changing anything and, worse, will make you focus on these negative emotions.

It's a downward spiral. Your resentment or anger prevents you from seeing those instances where people do reach out, because you're too busy feeling bad for yourself. The arrogance you develop as a defense mechanism (however subconscious this process might be) makes you insufferable, and, well, that's what we call a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And you know what? Even that is utterly common. There are tons of very social people who exactly the way you do: lonely, bitter, angry, and entitled/arrogant. It's just that their particular spiral just looks different: they might become drama kings or queens, and they flit from friendship to friendship and relationship to relationship because nobody can stand them in the long run.

Now let me be less harsh and comment as constructively as I can on some specific things you say that stand out to me:

> We can't hit you. Then you turn around and think you can slap me? Please. Don't slap me or I'm going to be really tempted to slap you back.

As a rule, I don't hit girls. There are all sorts of good reasons why this rule is good. But there have been few occasions, few and far between, where I warned a repeat-hitter (of the non-playful style of hitting) to cut it out or I'll hit her back, 'conventions' be damned. And it's happened that I did physically restrain or push a girl after she'd continue to be abusive.

Now, I never outright hit a woman, but that's because it was never necessary. Maybe one day I might hit a woman. But you know what? It's not relevant. It never happens, as I don't hang around women who punch me. If you do, then stop doing that.

But letting that happen and making conclusions about 'women' seems like a bit of a silly thing to do. It's like concluding all black people are thieves because you decide to walk around in a gang-area with money flapping out of your pockets.

But it does fit in the victim-role that I've once taken on, for understandable reasons, and that you might find yourself taking on currently.

> Women can be ruthless. It's not just men.

Yes, they're human, and a lot of humans are shitty excuses for humans. But I know very few people who think otherwise, and that includes people who are bit too far on the militant feminism side of things. And again, why not just avoid people who claim that women are not ruthless.

> And a lot of this is that I don't get it. I don't. I am horrible socially.

You probably are. So was I, and I still am in many ways. That's why I like to spend a lot of days alone with a computer, or the comfortably-distant company of people on IRC or Hacker News. That way I can think about my responses and not feel anxious.

The moment I realized that it is okay to be an introvert or loner, I became much happier. And as a result I found it easier to go out and learn to socialize and deal with my anxiety find a balance. I will always be more anxious kind of person, but that is why I seek out people who suit me in that way. Other geeks are great for that.

But acceptance is key to this, and resentment and arrogance keep you from accepting yourself, and then figuring out how else you could be.

> When will being a beta male be OK?

Go to a tech meetup. A programming camp. Stuff like that. Talk to a psychologist. The world is filled with beta males and nobody cares. Nice people care that you are nice, and even plenty of 'alpha' males, hot and social girls, and whatnot, can enjoy the company of nice beta-males. I've experienced that, and it still surprises me sometimes that once you're out of the high-school clique-mentality, we nerds can offer a lot to others.

Once I lost my anger and resentment, and decided to accept my nerdy, anxious, socially-inept selp, I gradually became the guy people wanted to be friends with. The guy who you talk to about serious stuff. The guy who gets carried away by some nerdy topic, but isn't that kinda funny and interesting and you can just tell him to shut up already and watch the football. The guy who girls of many varieties like because he's got a mind that he likes to use, and despite his oddness, he cares about them and respects them (and even alpha males need nerd-love!).

> And I have to take you out, pay for your dinner, and your concert tickets [etc.]

No you don't. Part of the problem is that you don't really know what you 'have' to do, on account of being so stuck in your notions of what this 'outside' world is like. If I'm on a date, I usually split the bill. Or I pay if I feel like it and if I like the girl enough to conform to 'conventions' that might exist.

If she cares that I don't pay, that's the last date.

Just to be clear, I could be off about you. I'm just trying to interpret what you're saying. But if you don't feel I'm being accurate, my apologies. I'm just sharing this out of frustration over having seen so many people get lost in loneliness (or even depression or homelessness) for precisely the reasons I describe.

The core mechanism is simple:

1. person can't 'function' in a way they themselves desire, for a variety of reasons (mental issues, personality, personal history, etc). 2. person gets understandably sad and frustrated and lonely, and nobody seems to care 3. person develops a constant feeling of inferiority and failure, and their mind shields them from this through inflated ego, arrogance, entitlement, controlling behavior, extreme introspection (leading to a false 'understanding' of the world) and a variety of other defense mechanisms. 4. these two seemingly opposite things interact to both confirm his negative feelings, and further destroy his sense of self-worth and self-acceptance.

The only way out is to suck it up, seek professional help, learn to be a nice person, learn to comfortably reject shitty people (as a result of having the self-worth and awareness to do so), and avoid especially the isolating, 'I am a special snowflake' type of thinking, again and again.

I can still fall into the snowflake trap, as I am a self-involved human like anyone else. But it's easier for me to get out of that now by remembering that I am not alone, my problems are shockingly common, and that everyone needs good people to offset the shit that happens. Trying to be such a good person, and finding help for my particular problems, has make me so much happier than I've been for most of my life.

> I'm just so tired of everyone yelling this, that, and the other thing, and missing the picture that is mental illness

You (and I) might have legitimate issues, but the only purpose of labeling them as illness is if we go and find a cure. Otherwise we're just emotional hypochondriacs.

I'll risk suggesting some Stefan Molyneux and some Karen Straughan:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-coVbPfh6k

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PO8J6SGy7o

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfgbIM3gvyI

OP: feel free email me if want to bounce off some ideas, be be warned I'm not `nice`.

I highly recommend looking through Karen Straughan's youtube channel [0] to help you gather your thoughts on the matter and deliver arguments in a less 'potentially inflammatory' way; because like it or not, unfortunately this viewpoint is the underdog and is always met with heavy, emotionally charged criticism that doesn't look to understand the logic of the argument first.

Also, despite it's criticisms, the http://reddit.com/r/mensrights community is very diverse, understanding and well-reasoned -- unlike a lot of the old cliche misogynistic "No Ma'am"[1] MRA's of the 90's. So if you're looking for support from others who have shared and/or noticed your type of experiences (not just men!), it's a good place to hang out.

Also, here's a good intro to how people usually discover and fall into this rabbithole/problem that's pretty enlightening:

http://www.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/24lqgf/came_here...

Hope that helps!

[0] https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcmnLu5cGUGeLy744WS-fsg

[1] http://www.bundyology.com/nomaam.html