Go for less text. More http://www.smbc-comics.com less http://www.qwantz.com/. The current template requires way too much.

I am pretty sure the technical term is 'excel ninja' and not 'excel kung fu' too. But I guess that was the punchline? I am just confused.

Maybe some work place humor? My 1 minute half baked attempt would be something like...

"With Query Cell, I've pumped up excel power user level to over 9000! It takes me half the time to run my daily extracts. Now if only I could figure out how to save on this new ribbon feature."

Okay, okay okay... I tried!