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You can't get a job on either coast without demonstrating "passion" to the team of neck beards that'll interview/scrutinize you.

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This is blatantly false. I work on the east coast (Cambridge) and know lots of people on both coasts with tech jobs that didn't involve demonstrating a "passion" for hobbies that "revolve around stereotypical programmer things". I also know plenty that do demonstrate such passion, but it's not a prerequisite.

I guess I live in a bubble then because even the recruiters I've worked with suggested a "Side Projects" field on my resume. This despite my highly relevant employment history.

That's ultimately driven by a concern in showing that: (1) you can learn quickly and (2) that you're a good enough programmer to be able to build things independently. A side projects section can show that, and so can properly framing your work experience.

Certainly it's a common perception that you must be passionate about programming and do it in your freetime, but I haven't found that to be the reality. You just need to be a good, competent worker.

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