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Comment by shanusmagnus | Hacker News Reader

Can't agree with this enough: however impossible you think being social is, it all starts with being able to do small things. You have a million opportunities a day to do _something_ that will begin the tiny and endless work of getting comfortable and feeling like every interaction with another human won't make or break you.

So yeah, say something to the cashier. Ask the barista if they changed the chairs. Ask the guy who takes your parking ticket if he knows a good restaurant. You have to make a beginning, trite as it sounds, and no beginning is too small to help.

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Frequenting the bar scene, for those so inclined, is the fast track to this: "getting comfortable and feeling like every interaction with another human won't make or break you."

This is true, but it's a higher hurdle. I went to bars through college, but made no progress socially.

To learn, you need to be able to try a lot, in a consistent environment, and get feedback. Bars made it difficult to try small things, and they're a complex environment where you can't repeat the same interaction so easily.

Whereas, saying "hi" to a stranger is never that different, in terms of how it goes initially.

I think it depends a lot on your personality. My best friend and I used to be a lot alike in this way. We were both really shy, had trouble socializing, especially dating. It was a big part of why we are such good friends. A few years ago he started going out to the bars after work almost every day. It started as an attempt to maintain a relationship with a girlfriend who liked hitting the bars, but after they broke up, he discovered that he really liked it. He talks to the bartenders, he talks to the guy at the next stool. He'll wander around the bar, pick out the most interesting looking person and strike up a conversation. He has completely overcome the social anxiety. I, on the other hand, don't like the bars. It's generally too noisy, lots of distraction, and because I'm at the bar for the purpose of "meeting people" it seems more high-stakes than it really is. I've had really good luck with the kind of casual conversations you describe, the cashier at the store, the girl at the coffee shop, the guy standing on the street corner who's obviously lost.... I had a 20 min conversation with a complete stranger last Sunday I met walking my dog. "Hey, that's a beautiful dog, what breed is it?" was all it took to start. There are a million opportunities to interact with other human beings every day. What works for me is each day, picking a few very low risk opportunities to start a conversation, and really going for it. For some reason at the bar, I get shot down once and I'm done. YMMV and all that......

Good point. I don't like clubs, so I only go there talking to strangers with outcomes in mind.

Whereas, when talking with people on the street, I don't care how the interaction goes. So that makes me relaxed, and the interaction goes well.

I enjoy it for the sake of it, whereas I don't enjoy clubs unless things go well.

According to Richard Feynman, you just have to put in the time and be patient. (The Las Vegas chapter of Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman.)

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