Well written and funny! ...but I'm weary of the first world whining about open plans. I spent many years in traditional floor plans and many with open. I prefer open and find that headphones and slack provide 90% of the privacy I need without sterile cubes or isolated offices. YMMV. It also makes business sense: it's cheap and flexible like cubes without feeling like a filing cabinet for people. Again, just my opinion, but if the worst part of your job is that you don't like the floor plan, you should count yourself as very lucky.