Hacker News Reader

> Failure is not an option, because otherwise I completely blew it with a huge part of my social life, and will have nothing left.

That's the same logic that compulsive gamblers use.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunk_cost#Loss_aversion_and_the...

No matter how many friends you may have lost, there's lots of people in this world. And the internet makes it easier than ever to find people to 'socialize' with (though not necessarily 'hanging out' in the physical sense) outside of your immediate area.

There have been numerous times where I have basically cut all ties with everyone I knew (even family) because I felt I was in a bad position (failing classes, not 'making progress' towards 'success', etc). But I still have friends and family that I'm in contact with now that I've 'cut off' before. Unless you've really cut people off in the sense that you've pissed them off to the point that they no longer want to be friends with you, you may be surprised. Just reconnect with people, it's not as difficult as you might think. (I just suggest against reconnecting with old girlfriends/boyfriends unless you keep your expectations low though)

No matter how many friends you may have lost, there's lots of people in this world.

Yes, but friends and family are not fungible. You can't just replace them with new friends and family without consequence.

The point being that you shouldn't cut yourself off from the world and feel like your are alone just because you've screwed up some relationships. If you've screwed up some relationships beyond repair, then seek out new ones rather than isolating yourself and lamenting over what you've lost. That path only ends in depression or madness.

I don't disagree with one thing you've said here.

If you can't make new friends, then you've got bigger problems than overwork.

You can never make new friends who have known you since <insert important point-in-time here>. Sometimes having old friends around can be quite important.

If you can't make new friends, then you've got bigger problems than overwork.

You're missing the point. New friends don't "replace" old friends the way a new dollar bill can replace one you lost gambling. As I said, friends and family are not fungible.

You're missing the point. While family members and 'old friends' are irreplaceable, if you've screwed up all of your relationships beyond repair, you've got to rebuild from somewhere no?

You can't say, "good/old friends are irreplaceable so why bother to make new friends once I've lost them."

You can't say, "good/old friends are irreplaceable so why bother to make new friends once I've lost them."

I'm not saying that; that's as extreme as what I'm arguing against. Obviously you've gotta move forward ... you can't just give up on life if there's a setback. And I generally agree with you that more often than not relationships can be repaired.

But people shouldn't believe that they can just get all of these relationships and lost time back: at best, they can do better moving forward. You can't get your twenties back if you burn them in an office somewhere and you can't get time with your parents back if they, for instance, pass away while you're all wrapped up in your startup.

Pay attention to your life, you only live once, as far as we know. If you wake up one morning to realize you've made mistakes, don't wallow in regret, change your course for the better.

That was my original point. That he/she should make new friends/reconnect with old friends. He/she seems to be in the mindset that, "things have been screwed up, so just throw yourself even more into your startup because you've already invested the loss of your social life as a 'sunk cost.'" I'm trying to say not to do that.

I misunderstood then, we're in agreement. :)

I don't want to presume I know what's going on in your life based on one comment, so I apologize if I'm wrong.

It reads to me that you've overloaded 'success' at business with the concept of 'escape' from your life. You're in for a breakdown unless you can undo this thinking.

Success at your startup won't give you friends or a social life. It won't help you escape from the stress. It'll do the opposite, unfortunately. Success puts even more pressure on you. If you land that $1M customer, you'll have to deliver $2M of value back to them.

What you get out of success is more opportunity, more resources, more freedom. All of these you can use to enrich and expand your own life. If you don't have your own life going though, you'll have no outlet to enjoy your success. Then the stress will turn into a death spiral.

Add yourself to your plans. Make a plan to enjoy your success. Do something to enrich your life like joining a club or taking lessons. If you land the big customer, reward yourself (not with things, with an improvement in your life).

Advanced tip: If you don't land the customer, do something for yourself anyway. The company may fold, but you're still stuck with you for a while yet, so you might as well get along with yourself. :)

> always feeling guilty when I'm not working

This I can relate to as a big problem when you start working on your own company. It took me a long time to realise how counter-productive this is, and to free myself to start saying "yes" more often to invitations/ideas. Now if I have the opportunity to do something outside of normal business hours I just weight it on its merits, and not against what work I could do. If I happen to be free on the weekend I might do some work, but I have no such expectation of myself.

For me this means I can sustain a lot higher productivity during the week, and overall.

Dude, that's rough and I've been there; I think a lot of us have. Let me know if you want to talk or something.

There is only one failure and that's not trying. You could tweak a million things to perfection and stress yourselves about it but, I doubt the outcome would be much different. Whether or not this works out for you, you will have learnt a great deal both personally and professionally. Good luck to you.

I would like to thank everyone for the kind replies and helpful advice -- they're much appreciated and perhaps unsurprisingly, very accurate. Most of it is exactly what I needed to hear. Escaping from other issues in my life is definitely something that has been going on: it's easy to fill a certain emptiness in your life with work. It's harder to actually realize that and do something about it.

Right now it all comes down to changing perspective: take distance from work and realize it's far from everything. I might even enjoy it again if I do. And the Christmas season is probably a good time to call a few lost friends.

Once again, thanks for all the kind replies. This hacker is just going through a rough time, but will definitely come out stronger. It just sucks when you're in the middle of it. :-)

If you fail, then you will have gained experience and honed your skills. Also...

I wouldn't worry too much about "blowing it" with your social life. Ive lost countless friends to new relationships, but I take them back once they've stabilized (or broken up...). It's part of life. Your friends will understand.