Valakas_

Question: why do you use the word "legacy" ? It's incredibly patronizing.

For every veteran with PTSD, there are hundreds of adults with (at least) CPTSD from childhood trauma.

You're completely right.

Let me respost this I saw the other day:

"What almost nobody realises is that prescribing "social interaction" is almost like prescribing homeopathy to someone with cancer.

The real cancer is trauma.

Trauma.

We live in an epidemic of emotional trauma and few people see it.

It is trauma that causes parents to neglect their kids, to have low empathy for their suffering and not be able to realise they are not ok. Parents, or whoever is taking care of the kids, with the "help" of "modern" society in fact, cause kids, through action or inaction, not to be ok. Do people think these kids just happened to be born with a "social isolation gene"? Or "generalised hatred" gene? Nobody is that way, they were made.

The person you're replying to is an outlier and very lucky to have found people that were supportive. But I'd say by far most won't. And there's a reason for that and it's not their fault. Traumatized people are not very popular. Trauma itself is not very popular and most people have no clue about it, or how to identify someone who is traumatized, because the very nature of trauma causes them to conceal they have it to fit in and be accepted. And the ones who don't fit in are just seem as "there's something wrong with them". Kinda reminds me of the state of medicine in the middle ages.

What these people need is not social interaction.

They need

    Compassion

    someone to listen to them, to hear them, to be with them with their pain.

    to hear their story. Not to be asked "what's wrong with you?" but "what happened to you?"

    be told there's nothing wrong with them. They are this way because it's one of the ways a healthy mind copes with extreme emotional neglect and maybe abuse.

    to have a secure attachment. Someone they can count on. All the time. Unconditionally.

    a sense of belonging. To a community. To a shared sense of purpose. That they are needed and wanted. That they are valued. Desired.

Unfortunately the way society is right now where we don't live on tribes with people that know us that care about us and are always there for us and can provide the above, like it happened for thousands of years, and like our brain is made to function with, now for many people there's only one that can do some of this and you have to pay them for it. Therapists. It's screwed up.

Things have changed so much and so quickly that we're totally unaware of how screwed up and how much we were not made for this "modern" lifestyle.

We were not made to live with only 2 adults who have to take the role of a village to single handedly rear a child.

We were not made to attach primarily with people of our age. First in kindergarden, then school, then college. There were always several people and of all ages who we humans attached deeply to, who we matured emotionally from, whose more mature behaviors we could emulate and learn from.

We were not made to, if those 2 people fail to provide us a sense of safety, have no backup. There would always be someone who we could chat. We would always be with company of other people in the tribe. There would always be a "loving grandma" or an "older brother" who we could go to.

We were not made to have to pay someone to give us a simulation of unconditional love, and safety that our group would provide. This person, who we know in the end does it for the money, and to help, but without money they wouldn't do it. How can we think this is OK and normal and that people are having their emotional needs met in these weird conditions?

How far have we gone the far end to find ourselves proud to conclude that social interaction increases lobgevity? Are we in the future going to be so dry that people will be proud to conclude that drinking water increases longevity too?

In the conditions we live now it is no wonder emotional neglect and abuse has been happening so much. The very way the social foundation is layed is lacking and so easy for trauma to happen and propagate.

The covid pandemic we hear about it. The trauma pandemic, which is equally transmissible from generation to generation and between romantic partners, very difficult to heal and causes unimaginable silent pain to millions of people... Nah. We blame people for being wounded. We call them lazy, and angry. We give them condescending names like "Karens" to make it seem like they're different and their own species and not that their extreme sense of entitlement actually comes from feeling worthless inside. Or accuse people of just being unempathetic angry and selfish as if all their life hadn't been nothing but an experience that would make anyone become that way. No shoulder to cry on. No motherly voice to comfort them. They can't be anything but unempathetic, angry and lonely. People are not mentally ill. People are mentally injured.

And I say pandemic because it is everywhere. In the politicians who seem to only care about themselves. In the influencers who seem so fixated in having people provide them validation in being seen highly by others and in feeling important. In the people who commit crimes. And I mean financial and ethical crimes too. How can they do that? Maybe crimes happened in their childhood and nobody cared. In the bosses at our jobs who seem to only care about maximising profit as a proof that they're being the best to compensate for how not good enough they always felt like. In the clerks who seem to enjoy the little power they have over people and exert it to the full extent to compensate for the powerlessness they felt all their lives since they were a kid.

We have been so conditioned in our society to accept trauma as a common and normal occurrence that we hardly pause to acknowledge it. It's no wonder many people suffer in silence.

And nobody seems to know about this and only talk about social interaction, making friends, focusing on the positive, being more out there and looking at traumatized people like they're some weirdos that came through a membrane from another universe.

Are we being so different from the people that in the 17th century burned "heretics" or in ancient Rome sheered for the blood spilled in arenas as criminals were slayed to death and who we now regard as barbarics?

Sorry about the long rant, but I needed to get this out of my chest."

By /u/astronaut_in_the_sun

Internal reference system that wasn't wrapped up in the emotion of trauma? When I read that, it sounds like someone who became further desensitized to what happened.

I'm sure you're more functional now, but know that being more functional doesn't equate to actually having healed anything. It can just mean the person learned to cope better.

In fact, the initial stages of healing from childhood trauma are expected to be less functional, less productive, and yes, more depressive, because for the first time in the person's life, they're feeling, in a compassionate way, what they've been pushing down all their lives, because they had no one safe to go to, and often there's a lot to unpack. It definitely is tiring and often just exhausting. But it's the only way. Because without feeling you can't heal.

Also, childhood trauma doesn't create "pathologies" it creates coping mechanisms which any healthy person would develop in the same circumstances, which need to be understood, and which will subside on their own without the need for behavioral approaches (aka symptom fixing) like CBT.

We are all humans, so we can't keep saying "what works for me may not work for others", at the core we do have many things in common, we all have feelings, we all have similar needs. And we all get traumatized in similar ways. So while there might be some differences, at the end of the day, some things will work for everyone, and those things are the ones that relate to the things we ALL have in common.

The reason it became so ingrained in psychology the mentality of "what works for you may not work for others" is because we've been in the equivalent of the middle ages of psychology for trauma treatment.

I used to think that abuse had to be conscious and with intent to be abuse but it most definitely doesn't. A parent can be doing their best, and loving in their eyes, and abusing/neglecting their kid.

CBT, meditation and "fostering resiliency" are poor for healing from childhood trauma, please don't follow this advice.

Instead:

* Internal Family Systems

* Books: Body Keeps the Score, CPTSD: From surviving to thriving, Whole Again.

* Get validation of the abuse/neglect you suffered.

* EMDR

* Yoga with a focus on emotions stored in your body

* Emotional mindfulness, emotional vocabulary (alexythimia).

* With the previous one, paying attention to your needs.

* Boundaries

* Changing self-talk

* Foster the opposite of resiliency. Traumatized people have had to be strong and resilient their whole lives. What they need is softness, to be heard, to be seen and feel understood. To be vulnerable, to rest.

* (...)

AFAIK an investment is when you put money into something expecting it to increase in value.

Buying a house just so that at the end you own it is not an investment, that's just a purchase with a loan.

Because after 30 years of paying rent... you own nothing. After 30 years of paying a mortgage... you own land and a building.

SWE is easy, can be fun, pays well, can be full remote, safe desk job. Usually other professions lack one or more of these.

SWE is easy as fuck for the amount of money it gives.

Compare that to physics, chemistry, bio or mechanical engineering.

When I see SWE saying they know 10 different languages I see someone who is bragging that they know how to sum 1+1 1+2 1+3 (...) 1+10

No wonder people with no degree can learn how to code in a few months and get a nice paying job. Try that with any of the others I mentioned and you get nothing. Not with 1 year. Not with 2 years. Maybe with 3 years of studying.

When you have unlimited money, there's no need to find it. Just buy it.

So basically you stood out not because of the work you did but because of social skills. Gotcha. Yet another reason why WFH is better. Rewards people who actually stand out due to quality of work and not unrelated unproductive skills that affect human psyche and make it seem like the person is contributing more than they are.

The cue is insecurity. You get triggered by his insecurity which you unconsciously see in yourself and don't like. This "not liking it" feeling is the "cue" you refer to.

People say "you'll probably disagree" as a defense mechanism. They preemptively expect a rejection, and make it known, in order to make it hurt less. Works in a similar way as self-deprecating humor. "You can't hurt me, if i hurt myself first." "You can't reject me, if I reject myself/you first."

I myself, got triggered by this thread and it's display of emotionally immaturity, because I have some of it myself, and I dislike it with a passion.

I've noted that HN is a forum full of emotionally immature people that are usually polite in the way they show it. This little thread is a perfect example of it. Very off putting, still the threads are sometimes interesting, if we can accept this fact and try to look at the discussion itself.

Samsung S7 user here. Perfect phone. Good looking (silver one is awesome), no notches, great camera, good battery.... and perfect size. It's hard to accept for companies that they already achieved a great result, and only minor improvements need to be added. Maybe because if they would keep selling S7a, S7b, etc people wouldnt be so convinced to buy new ones so they need to make changes and somehow convince people the many changes are for the better... even if they aren't.

The pixel 4a will be good for another 3 years? What kind of apps are you using? I'm still using a Samsung S7 and don't plan to replace it until it explodes or turns into dust. Then again I don't play games, but I do use it extensively to write/browse/chat. It's somewhat sluggish, but who cares? This idea that we need perfect loading times and constant high-tech phones is such a spoiled mindset.

Not so fast. Entropy is decreasing. There might be more energy, but useless energy. Energy low enough, spread out enough or with too little temperature differential that you can't do much or anything with it.

The Earth is getting solar energy sure. But it also emits energy. And a lot of what stays here is just useless heat.

"(...) struggle to form meaningful friendships/relationships with colleagues."

Whenever you're forced to do something, yes you will struggle. My colleagues are my colleagues. And if I like someone, I will bond with them and it might become a friendship regardless of whether i see them in person or not.

Still, I'm at work to work, not to make meaningful bonds. Using the word 'meaningful' in a work context makes the word almost lose its meaning and make it seem banal. Meaningful bonds happen by chance, and most people we come across with, we don't make meaningful bonds with anyway. And whether we want it or not, work environment is not the same as hobby or home or relaxation.

I have good friends, who i have meaningful bonds with, and I'm happy with that. At work, i'm getting paid to do a job, not to form meaningful bonds with people. I don't need those, because I have those already.

Maybe you enjoy interactions with colleagues, who don't enjoy interactions with you because they'd rather be home where they don't have to talk with someone they don't have or want a meaningful bond with.

And for the last point of "Sure, it might be technically more productive (...)". Companies try to make us believe it is less productive to WFH all the time. Remove that point, and there's nothing more on the table to want people at the office, than the fact that some need social interaction and to form meaningful bonds at work.

A few days/week of working at the office for people who want meaningful bond making could be arranged, and you all could connect with each other, sing kumbaya together, and make life long friendships then. Just don't force others to do the same.

I'm interested in this field, as I relate to your mentality of finding it interesting and losing myself and sense of time trying to solve puzzles. If I wanted to go into cyber security, what would you say one should learn/do?

It only takes someone 4 years to be considered senior in sofrware...? In my field (mechanical engineering) senior starts at roughly 7.

Hey, and thanks for being available to answers questions. Here's one: Aren't you concerned that new employees will pickup that you're a job hopper and think that you're not to be trusted to stay at their company for long either?

I also had those by just doing my work and talking with colleagues about work. At home.

People love (my company included) to say office promotes those low-stake spontaneous conversations that result in something positive. Because these spontaneous conversations don't happen remotely, the argument is that then that something positive wouldn't have happened either. That's a false argument though.

Besides, if a company has responsible employees they will think about work, about their tasks. These types of brainstorming and thinking would come up anyway. And if not exactly this specific brainstorm that came from a lunch-topic, another one.

At the end of the day, right now most arguments are emotional arguments to force people into the office. Those findings that something didn't make sense, would happen anyway if people just think about work and do their job, in the comfort of their home, in the Bahamas, or wherever they choose to work.

>Going to the office means getting to know the people you work with to a meaningful level (there are other opportunities to do that besides meetings, such as having lunch together or going out for a coffee/walk) in a way that is simply not possible when chatting via google meets.

Who cares? I care about my family and friends. If I match with someone at the office, then it will happen anyway with remote work and I don't need to be force to interact in the hopes of having a better relationship. I work for work, not to socialize. I socialize with people by choice, not by force. And those people are those who I like.

>Unexpected things occur in the office. Maybe you overhear a conversation that makes you think about your career, or during drinks after work you end up discussing a new cool startup idea with colleagues. None of this really happens when you stay at home.

I don't need the unexpected to make me think, thanks. I like to take command of my own life instead of waiting for unexpected wind blows to drive me somewhere or make me think of where I want to go in life. I'm sorry to hear some people need that. Maybe therapy would be good for them. Or, you know, talking with friends.

> Those perks, admittedly, may be hard to understand for the average introverted, socially anxious software dev.

I feel sorry for the people who feel the need to put others down in order to try to prove a point (for which arguments are lacking, and therefore they resort to ad-hominems).

Monero would would like to have words.

Just FYI, Algorand and StellarLumens are very low fee and super-fast blockhain alternatives.

It pushes trash if you watch trash? For me it pushes more similar stuff of what I already watch.

At least we don't get jailed for speaking out, so dissenting opinions are still able to come out. That's the difference.

Definition of "junk food" also varies a lot. For example, many people have no idea that white bread has a higher glycemic index than sugar itself. So except for the very limited nutritional value of it, it's actually worse than just eating spoons full of sugar. So it passes the definition of "junk food", because hey it's not processed, and it's done in a bakery, traditional right? (not saying it's your case - in general) even though it's as junkier as it gets.

It's possible some people do actually eat healthy and still get very unlucky. But I bet a lot of what many consider healthy isn't. Also, we don't know what we don't know. People didn't know about lead poisoning was a problem until they did. I wonder how many unhealhty stuff we do/consume that passes totally invisible in front of our eyes. The type of things future generations will look back and say "no wonder those people were dying so young of cardiovascular diseases and cancer they were doing X! And get this, they even thought it was healthy/they didn't even know about it!"

The problem is that often what is best for employee's quality of life and mental health is not aligned with the best for the company. If there is 1% better output from a worker if they're at the office, but they suffer 50% less mental health, compared to WFH, then guess what the company is going to chose.

There can be different kinds of slavery. Let's not get bogged down by details shall we?

If a situation fits for 80% and there is no other single word that better describes it, i see you would just do nothing and leave a clearly wrong situation in confusion and undefined. People need a word and a clarity of meaning to rally behind it. Slavery fits really well, even if some things don't fit the historical original definition of it. If you can come up with a better fitting word, be my guest, otherwise please don't stand in the way while people are trying to raise awareness for the tragic lack of freedom that so many of us experience.

Yes, go to the middle of nowhere and isolate yourself from everyone you know. Nice!! Also you need to be able to afford such a house with proper terrain to be able to cultivate every kind of food needed to live (not easy and needs a lot of learning). You can't do this by yourself also. You need more people to take care of such effort. So convince your family or friends to do the same and abandon who they know? Good luck with that! And for all of this we have to sacrifice the amazing feats of technology and go back to the middle ages because everything costs money. I'm sorry, but there has to be a better way where it's possible to have a good middle term. This that you present is no choice at all. It's almost like saying "Hey you can always kill yourself, so you do have freedom!" /s.

Yeah well, i don't want to be interrupted by a guy who thinks he can just come over tap me on the shoulder and I have to give him the attention he wants because he's too self-absorbed to understand other people might have a different way of working and have to accommodate to that guy's needs before their own.

"We've proven that the big tech companies can go fully remote and not completely crash and burn, that's about it."

No, that's not about it. We've also proven they're able to have record profits. Whether they would have even higher profits if it was fully office, it's another story, but saying all that is proven is that they won't crash is false and just shows you're emotionally invested in having people back in the office because you want them to.