Comment by orp | Hacker News Reader

Comment by orp | Hacker News Reader

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Do you seriously think that in a functional relationship (as opposed to a dysfunctional one) a boyfriend get to do 'anything he wants'? Or a girlfriend, for that matter?

It's perfectly legitimate (not to mention a fact in 99.99% of relationships by my estimate) for partners to have different needs and wants. And limits. Yes.

Compromises are a way of life for a good couple. Having 'special occasions' is not a bad way to go about these compromises, doing something for your partner you wouldn't want to do on a regular basis, with a nice socially acceptable rhythm to it.

To pick an example at random, I wouldn't buy my jewelry every day (or week, or month), but a couple of times a year for special occasions (birthday, anniversary) are cool.

Wrapping up, if there was an increasing cultural effect making my wife expect (and hint at) increasingly weird and tasteless things that she'd like for her birthday (I'd getting shivers just imagining examples), believe you me I wouldn't be happy about it, and saying no would still not be easy.

BTW: if you comment above was sarcastic and I missed it, consider this comment moot.

What if I like two chicks at the same time for my birthday? I think my girl-friend would find it very easy to say no to that.

I was not sarcastic. Far from it.

I think there's a big difference between buying people whatever they want, whenever they want it, and sexual satisfaction. Of course you do not buy your partner jewellery every day or week. Good jewellery is expensive. And you can only wear so much.

But sexual satisfaction is different. Sex is free. And if the guy is not satisfied in their normal sexual behaviour, and has to wait until his birthday when he can really do all those things he wanted to do the rest of the year - well, I think that is weird and kind of pathological.

So yes in summary, in bed, of course each person in a couple should be able to "do whatever they want". Why wouldn't they? Just like they should be able to talk about whatever they want and watch whatever they want. If they can't do these basic things then .. what's the point of even being a couple?

This sounds good, but it's not true in reality. Couples rarely see eye to eye on 100% of topics, so in a stable relationship, many things become a compromise of sorts.

Everyone should feel fulfilled by sex, but that doesn't mean that the woman should be expected to do depraved sex acts that she's uncomfortable with, just like the man shouldn't be expected to spread rose petals on the bed and sing sonnets each time.

If a couple isn't in the same ballpark on sex, they should probably not be a couple.

If a woman really wants rose petals/sonnets, she shouldn't have to wait for her birthday to get it. It's hardly an unreasonable request every 1-2 weeks. And if her partner can't give it to her, she should move on.

It doesn't need to be such a point of contention and resentment, though -- the author of the article writes as if sex is a begrudging gift, and that the way she happens to view sex is the way we men need to learn to see it. In short: emotionally she's about 11 years old.

Agreed, the author isn't sexually mature. I think I was more sexually mature when I was 13 than the author appears to be.

Sex is a partnership. It's (generally) two people and (generally) one bed. If your sex life isn't to people participating, it isn't sex. The author sounds like she's a 'lays down and take it' kind of 'lover', which gives me the shudders.

Sex is a lot of things, but non-participating in it is IMHO akin to trying to be raped. It's nonsensical, and it IMHO sounds like non-consensual sex. I clearly don't comprehend it, but perhaps that's because when I wasn't even sexually developed I was aware of what sex was supposed to be.

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