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Comment by facepalm | Hacker News Reader

Not enough sex when I was still young enough.

It is definitely bizarre looking back. You can clearly see all of these opportunities to have a good shag with someone whose company you enjoyed when there appeared to be mutual attraction but they were passed up because you were both so wrapped up in insecurities.

41 here and totally agree. I got into a long term relationship at 20, and because of that I missed a lot of opportunities.

I eventually got a divorce at 30 (unrelated), and I had some great sex for a while but then got married again. While, I love my spouse, I think back on those moments of freedom and wildness often. Wish I had more memories of them.

Some tips (from the person who started late): Don't do one nighters - they're just not memorable long-term. Don't do it drunk - it dulls the memory. Don't do it just for the sex either - it's way, way more enjoyable when you're really into someone. And, don't waste time with people who have no passion or intuitiveness. If they can't kiss well or seem to lack interactivity, it's probably not worth it, no matter how much they may want you.

What if you can't ever find someone who truly likes you? Being a short and unnatractive male I've completely given up on dating or meeting someone who actually likes me. I've experienced so much negativity around my height and overall looks that it's just not worth it anymore.

Nowadays the only way I can have intimate relationships is via prostitutes; however I don't visit them often as I can see through their acting, for once I would like to have an intimate relationship with someone who is truly into me, but then I am 33 and my libido is fading (yay!) I know that I will regret not having sex in my 30's and 20's in my 40's but I feel powerless.

Not sure where you live, but it helps to live somewhere where the female / male ratio is high. For example, much of CA has a lot of males to females. I would probably never be able to get a date there, especially with all of the overly motivated men. But, the north east US is much the opposite. For example, I live in DC, and it's way easier to get a date here - almost too easy. Plus, women here are highly educated and appreciate smart men.

As far as how to find them, don't use dating services. It's way too hard for 'normal' guys to compete. Women get so much attention on those services that it boosts their expectations, and they become more selective. Instead, you have to go to the places that they go.

As for looks, put it in context. Unless you're in one of the high male areas (where competition naturally forces men to up their game), most men are pretty average looking. If you look around, I'm guessing you'll see lots of men who are in the middle. That's your baseline. And, if you can get 5-10% better, then it's remarkably more effective.

Studies have shown that perception of attractiveness changes when people get to know each other better (they rate each other more attractive). Most men are ugly anyway - and women see it as such, too. Their perception of male attractiveness follows a power law, whereas male perception of female attractiveness is a normal distribution. Meaning most women only consider few men attractive, whereas most men consider most women attractive.

As a man, if you can get the basics right (personal hygiene, good clothes), you are already in the top quantile. Bummer about the height, but there are also women who are not very tall.

>Bummer about the height, but there are also women who are not very tall.

Actually, I its the shorter women who have higher standards for male height, the most "harsh" rejections (due to height) have come from short women.

Taller women have been friendlier/more polite but at the end of the day I still get rejected.

Welcome to a man's life...

heh. Yea me too. I grew up in a country where they sexually repress people. That inertia kept me from having sex even after I immigrated to a more socially lenient society.

Out of curiosity ... how old are you right now?

because youre too told to enoy it now or because you are in a monogamous relationship now?

There's another possibility, when I was sixteen, I went to a very large highschool with approx three hundred sixteen year old girls so its not like I had a lack of opportunity, but for legal reasons and cultural attitudes toward age differences that very specific missed experience is now permanently inaccessible. Everything WRT that topic is good today, older women my age are very enjoyable ... but I obviously missed out on some fun, many years ago. You're only gonna be sixteen exactly once, for about 365 days, that's it.

So if you're 16 and want to have sex with someone who's 16 the only certain advice I can provide is you're not likely to stop wondering what it would have been like any time soon, and over time the odds very rapidly reach zero (roughly by the time you graduate HS?), so get out there while you can ... while avoiding diseases and pregnancies. Of course seeing as older, smarter, and far more experienced versions of yourself repeatedly manage to fail to avoid diseases and pregnancies remarkably often, maybe forever wondering is better than forever herpes/hiv or forever having kids while you were still a kid yourself.

Probably because you don't get any "fitter/healthier" when getting old. When you're in your 20s, you have more options (physically) then when you're in your 50s.

Married

You need to ask your wife for an open marriage. Monogamous relationships are morally wrong IMO.

While I also think that humans are probably not built for monogamy, I'm not sure if it would really help much. We also have small children, so there is not much time to meet other people. And there is the issue of physical attractiveness. I am attracted to some women of my age, but more often to younger women. I shudder at the thought of what they might think of me (leery old guy...).

Serious suggestion. Assuming it is legal wherever you are consider periodic visits to a brothel. Attractive young ladies (or gentleman) whose job is providing convenient sex to people they probably wouldn't otherwise have sex with.

I have heard of couple's coming to an arrangement where the husband (it always seems to be the husband) goes once a month.

Similarly I have met divorced men who opt for brothels in place of pursuing other relationships. This decision typically seems to come after an expensive divorce when they do the math and realize that it may be cheaper to have sex with a parade of paid professionals Vs getting into another serious relationship and losing half their stuff again.

I am not morally opposed to brothels, but it doesn't appeal to me personally. Not yet, anyway - maybe the more older and disgusting I get, the more I will consider the option out of desperation (I hope not).

>Similarly I have met divorced men who opt for brothels in place of pursuing other relationships.

This is probably exactly why brothels are highly illegal in most places. Can't have people disrupting the social order...

Truth.

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